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#21 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 28 February 2005 - 03:00 AM

[b]Episode 14: "Untitled"[b]
Written by "TSN"
Published November 13, 2000

Last time, on "Star Trek: Series ?"...

*series of video clips from previous episode*

"...my excellent control of the helm..."
"...just doesn't have the same effect that..."
"...the Mysterious Red Butt..."
"...does."
"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"
"Remember?"

And now, the continuation...


On the bridge of USS Relativity, Captain Braxton (whichever one it is that's in charge of that ship) was inspecting the dedication plaque on the wall.

"Hey, waitaminute..." he muttered. He straightened up and faced the bridge crew. "Who made this plaque?"

Lt. Ducane looked up from his console. "Er... I believe it was installed at Spacedock. Presumably, it was made there."

"Well, I just noticed something. We're the Relativity-G, but it says we're the seventh ship with the name. Now, math was never my best subject, and neither was the alphabet, but I count that the original Relativity, plus the A through the G, would be eight ships..."

Despite his astonishment that the captain had managed, not only to remember the alphabet in the proper order, but to count the letters correctly, Ducane replied, "Well, sir, that's true. However, there was a small temporal, er... accident... about eighty years before our time, and the Relativity-E sort of... became the Relativity-F. It's one of those things it's best not to think too much about."

The temporal mechanics involved in a ship's becoming its own successor had already given Braxton a headache, though, and he slouched back into his chair. "Are the calculations for the next time jump almost finished?"

"Yes, sir," replied Jadzia. "Controls are set to take us to the Bounty. We can go whenever you want."

"Good," sighed Braxton. "Engage."

"Hey!" shouted Yar. "That's Captain Picard's line!"

"Ugh... Fine, then... Take us out."

Sulu turned around. "Sir, I believe Captain Kirk already used that line, and I'd appreciate your not stealing it from him."

"Argh!" cried a frustrated Braxton. "Okay! How about 'Woogy-boogy-boogy!'? Is 'Woogy-boogy-boogy!' taken?"

The bridge crew glanced around at each other, and seemed to come to the unanimous conclusion that "Woogy-boogy-boogy!" was not, in fact, taken.

"Good!" Braxton pointed toward the viewscreen. "Woogy-boogy-boogy!"

Sulu engaged the engines.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, on the Excelsior, the Old and Young Psychos Braxton snuck into one of the medical labs.

"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"

"Well you may ask why we're here. And I shall tell you." Psycho Braxton the Younger walked over to a door and placed his hand on a panel beside it. "Identification Braxton iota nu sigma alpha nu epsilon." The door slid open.

"Behold! My plan!"

"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"

"Yes, impressive, isn't it?" The room was filled with tanks of transparent liquid, and each tank seemed to have a human male curled up inside it.

"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"

"Ah, very observant. Yes, they are clones. Clones of me. Soon, there will so many Braxtons on this ship, no-one will be able to keep them straight! Bwaha–!" He stopped suddenly as Galvatron knocked him down.

"No maniacal laughter!" screamed Galvatron. "That's MY department! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...", he pasued to inhale, "...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back on the Relativity...

"Sir, we're returning to normal space-time."

"Who said that?" Braxton exclaimed, looking around.

"What, sir?" asked Ducane, puzzled.

"Who said 'we're returning to normal space-time'? There was no name next to the line."

The crew looked around at each other, but no-one knew who had said it.

"Oh well," resigned Braxton. "As if there aren't enough problems w/ this story, anyway... Er..." He trailed off.

"Sir?" said Ducane.

"Where's... everything?"

"What do you mean?"

"Look at the planet! There's nothing orbiting it but the moon! No Spacedock, no ships, nothing!"

"Well, of course not, silly!" came Jadzia's voice from the back of the bridge. Everyone turned around to look at her.

"What do you mean?" asked Braxton.

"Well, there was no Spacedock in 1789..."

"1789?!"

"Well, yes... You said you wanted the Bounty. I figured I'd make the trip more interesting, and bring us right to the point of the mutiny. See, there they are, right off the coast of Tonga. Captain Bligh and his supporters are, uh... being put in the, er... boat, uh... What are you doing?"

The entire bridge crew had simultaneously stood up and begun slowly advancing on her, some clenching their fists, some growling, others just glaring menacingly.

Then, just as Captain Braxton was about to wrap his hands around Jadzia's throat, the ship exploded.

#22 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 28 February 2005 - 03:02 AM

Episode 15: "Send in the Braxtons!"
Written by "Krenim"
Published November 16, 2000

"Old Psycho Braxton's Personal Log, Stardate... Well, we're in Star Trek IV, so you figure it out! Anyway, my plan to confound the evil crew of the evil Excelsior by unleashing a horde of Old Psycho Braxton clones so that I can take control of the ship has hit an unexpected snag... Galvatron, ever vigilant that he should be the only one on the ship allowed to laugh maniacally, has stumbled upon my plan..."

Old Psycho Braxton whipped out his phaser. "Well, well, well... It seems as though you've stumbled onto my plan! I'll have to eliminate you!"

Galvatron smirked. "There's no need to do that! I'll keep your secret on one condition..."

"And what's that?"

"After we take over the ship, we have to force Cartoon Network to show nothing but Transformers and Screwy Squirrel cartoons!"

"Okay, Transformers I understand, but why Screwy Squirrel?"

"I have a reputation as an evil villain to uphold..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, on the Enterprise-Z, the Mysterious Red Button began to reveal his evil plan to his evil lackey, Gul Dukat...

Set a course for 29th Century Bajor! Maximum warp!

"Hey, I once ruled Bajor, you know."

Yeah, yeah... Shut up. Soon, the universe will shudder at the name of the Mysterious Red Button!

"So, what exactly are we going to do?"

We're going to the fire caves to release the pah-wraiths!

"Um... I hate to have to break this to you, but I already tried that, and it didn't exactly work out. Not only that, but the Book of the Kosst Amojan was burnt to a cinder when I was falling down that well."

Book? Who needs a stinking book when we can just download the text off the Internet for free?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, back in 1789, the crew's plans to throttle the brainless Jadzia were put on hold as the ship exploded.

Captain Braxton pointed to the screen. "Hey! The Bounty, which is technically a ship, just exploded!"

Sulu, obviously clammoring for more screentime, got upset. "Technically? Technically?!?! Of course its a ship, you moron!"

"Well, yes, but I like to use the word 'technically.' Technically, technically, technically. Anyway, what happened to the Bounty?"

Jadzia meekly raised her hand. "I think that my pressing this button labeled 'Blow up the closest historically important vehicle' may have had something to do with it..."

Braxton smacked his forehead with his palm. "That does it! You're a danger to yourself and others! I'm confining you to sickbay!"

From far off in the distance, the Doctor could be heard shouting "Woohoo!" as he realized he'd probably get some screentime.

As Jadzia got on the turbolift, Braxton got back in his seat. "Ducane, I want you to beam down a bunch of nameless extras to fix the Bounty so this part of history will get back on track. Meanwhile, we'll head back to the 20th Century and raise Kirk's Bounty from the ocean floor so the universe isn't overrun by cosmetics-selling Borg in the 29th Century."

Ducane scratched his head in confusion. "So, we're just going to leave the nameless extras down there? They might contaminate the timeline."

"Nah, that'll never happen... Sulu, set a course for 20th Century Earth! Woogy-boogy-boogy! Ugh, there's got to be a better catch phrase than that..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were throwing an evil party on the evil bridge, following their sucessful alteration of the timeline and the Relativity's sudden disappearance.

Old Captain Braxton held up a glass filled with... well... something green. "If A leads to B, and B leads to C..."

"We've had enough of your technobabble! Get on with the toast," the rest of the senior staff shouted.

"Well, I think we've won! We've altered time and the Relativity is gone! The only thing that could possibly stop us is if, inexplicably, a bunch of clones of Old Psycho Braxton filled the ship up so full that none of us could get to the controls!"

At that moment, a bunch of clones of Old Psycho Braxton fell through the ceiling, landing on Old Captain Braxton. The senior staff looked on in shock as clone after clone fell on their commanding officer, and then as clones started bursting out of every door and hatch on the bridge...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, the Relativity emerged back in orbit over 20th Century Earth. Lt. Ducane checked his instruments. "Sir, it appears as though the Excelsior is filled with clones of Old Psycho Braxton!"

Braxton took a moment to think. "Hmm... Is that good or bad?"

"Good, sir. The ship is so crammed with them that no one can reach a control panel to do anything to stop us from saving history."

"Excellent. Maybe I should be cloned. I've always wondered what it would be like if there were more than one of me..."

"Uh, sir, right now you have three clones, albeit temporal clones, and one of them has about a bazillion actual clones, and the universe is barely holding itself together because of it!"

"Ah... I see your point. Anyway, let's try to save history and actually suceed this time, okay?"

To Be Continued...

#23 Gregory House

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Posted 01 March 2005 - 04:36 PM

Episode 16: "A Dish Best Served Stale..."

Written by "Krenim"
Published January 12, 2001


"Captain's Log, Stardate... Well, just look up the stardate from the last episode and add a few numbers! Anyway, we've returned to 20th Century Earth to raise Kirk's renegade Bird-of-Prey off the ocean floor. Our task has been made infinitely easier by the fact that the Excelsior has been overrun by clones of Old Psycho Braxton, making it impossible for any of their crew to reach their controls! Bwahahahaha!"


Ducane waited until his captain's maniacial laughter subsided. "Sir, just how are we going to raise the Bounty?"


"Don't worry, Ducane! I've already thought of a plan!"


"You have, sir?"


"Of course! I want you to fire all our phasers and torpedoes at the Bounty!"


"Uh, sir... Won't that blow up the Bounty?"


"Your point being...?"


"We don't want to blow it up, sir."


"Aw... You always spoil my fun! Okay, we'll just go to Plan B!"


"What's that? Crush the Bounty?"


"No, Mr. Smarty Pants! It just so happens that Plan B is to have Kes use her superpowers to raise the Bounty!"


"That's actually a very good plan, sir!"


"And that's why they pay me the big money, Ducane..."


"Uh, sir... The Federation doesn't use money..."


"Shut up, Ducane! I don't pay you to yak about the Federation's economy!"


"I don't get paid!"


Meanwhile, down in Sickbay, Jadzia sat on one of the biobeds. The Doctor suddenly ran in. "I think I've got it!"


"You've got what?"


"I think I've figured out how to make you not so stupid!"


"Me stupid? Nah!"


The Doctor shook his head in disgust, and then pulled up some files to his PADD. "Now, in order for you to function as a whole, you need a symbiont, right?"


"I think so."


"So, when we get back to the 29th Century, we'll just find one for you!"


"Uh, okay!"


By that time, Ducane had finally managed to explain the Federation's socio-economic structure to Braxton, so they could get on with raising the Bounty. Kes' eyes flashed, and the Bounty slowly rose from the ocean, magically repairing itself in the process. Soon, the Bounty was off chasing George and Gracy again. The Relativity's crew cheered.


When the cheering was done, Yar pointed at the Excelsior on the viewscreen. "What are we going to do about them?"


Ducane punched a few buttons, and the Excelsior was caught in the Relativity's tractor beam. Both ships lept into the timestream and were gone...


...only to reappear in the 29th Century. The crew cheered again, until they realized something was very wrong.


Captain Braxton turned to Ducane. "Apparantly, I have realized that something is wrong, but I don't know what!"


Ducane checked the sensors. "Well, the good news is that the Avon-selling Borg are gone. The bad news is that they've been replaced by Romulan mimes."


"Let me get this straight... The galaxy is ruled by Romulan mimes?"


"Yes, sir."


Braxton fell to his knees. "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"


"Sir?"


"I don't know, I just got the unmistakable urge to blame Khan for all this."


Ducane ran a simulation of the timeline. "Hmm... It does appear that you're right."


So, the Relativity, with the Excelsior still in tow, went back to 20th Century Earth and beamed Braxton and Ducane down to where a young Khan was sitting under a tree reading "Chicken Soup for the Genetically Engineered Soul." Braxton approached the young Khan. "Excuse me, are you Khan?"


Khan looked up from his book. "Yes, I'm Khan."


"Well, we just wanted to give you this book."


Khan took the book from Braxton. "Moby Dick? Why would I want this?"


"Trust me, you never know when you might need to steal lines from Captain Ahab. I also wanted to give you this picture."


Khan took the picture and looked at it. "Who's this guy?"


"Pavel Chekov. When you meet him for the first time, just pretend that you actually met him before."


"Uhm, okay..."


Several hours later (by the reckoning of the Relativity crew), Braxton and Ducane stood in front of several cells in the Federation Maximum Security Prison. With the 29th Century Federation restored, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were being imprisoned for their crimes.


Ducane noticed something odd. "Captain Braxton, aren't there supposed to be a whole horde of Braxton clones?"


Braxton counted. "Yes, there are, but I see only the one..."


The one Braxton clone turned to the duo. "Yes, they merged us all into one! I am Old Captain Young Psycho Old Psycho Clone Clone Clone Clone Clone Clone Clone Braxton, but you may refer to me as... Evil Braxton! Bwahahahahaha!"


Galvatron reached out of his cell and thwacked Evil Braxton. "How many times do I have to tell you all? It is my job to do the evil laughing around here!"


So, the Excelsior crew was locked away and left to themselves. Valtane stuck his head out of the bars. "So... Anyone have any idea how long we're going to be stuck in here?"


Rand stuck her head out of the bars of her cell. "Probably until Episode 26, where we'll escape, thus setting up the first season's cliffhanger..."


To Be Continued...

#24 Gregory House

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Posted 01 March 2005 - 04:42 PM

Episode 17: "Buttons and Blithering Buffoons, Part I"

Written by "Krenim"
Published February 17, 2001


"Captain's Log, Stardate... You know, we do so much time-travelling I can never tell what stardate it is, so I'm just going to skip it from now on! Anyway, everything is now perfect, thanks to me! Wait a minute, if everything's perfect, that means the show is over! Nooooooooooooooo! Quick, Ducane, tell me something's wrong!"


"Well, sir, we still have to track down Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button, who escaped with the Enterprise-Z back in Episode 13."


Braxton breathed a sigh of relief. "Alright, let's go get them... Wait a minute, once we capture them, then the show will be over!"


Ducane shook his head in disgust. "Don't you keep track of anything that goes on around here? There's plenty of other stuff that's wrong! We have to get Jadzia a new symbiont so she won't have the IQ of a turnip anymore, and we still have to find out why in the galaxy the 31st Century Doctor from "Living Witness" is the Chief Medical Officer on our ship, which is from the 29th Century!"


"Okay, okay, I get your drift! Well, let's go get Elmo and the Button first. I'm in the mood for a great action episode."


"Very well, sir. I'll begin scanning the continuum for them."


"How long will that take?"


"I don't know, sir."


"Well, just don't take too long."


Coincidentally, Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button were approaching Bajoran space at that exact moment. The Mysterious Red Button began to chuckle.


Soon, I will release the pah-wraiths upon the galaxy, and they will destroy everything! Mwahahahaha!


Dukat shrugged. "Well, you can try, but I'm telling you that I've tried that before! It didn't work!"


Shut up, Tickle-Me Elmo! Where you failed 500 years ago, I shall succeed! The universe will cower before my might!


A voice came over the Enterprise-Z's comm system. "Enterprise-Z, this is the Defiant-Q. Identify yourselves and state your purpose in coming to Bajor."


Dukat activated the comm system. "Wait a minute... Defiant-Q? I thought the only ships that had letters in their registration numbers were the Enterprise and Relativity..."


The voice answered, "Yeah, well, you try identifying yourself as the NCC-699838502094829038547!"


"Point taken. We are Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button, and we are here to release the pah-wraiths."


Idiot! You just told them our evil plan! I hereby demote you from henchman to sub-henchman!


"Aw..."


The Defiant's commander answered back. "Gul Dukat the evil 24th Century Cardassian dictator, or Gul Dukat the 29th Century's most beloved comedian?"


Uh, the comedian thing...


"The evil Mysterious Red Button from the Relativity, or the beloved Mysterious Red Button who is a great philosopher?"


The philosopher.


"And are you going to release the evil pah-wraiths who were banished from the Bajoran wormhole long ago, or the beloved pah-wraiths who have been taken hostage by a bunch of maniacs who worship Barney the Dinosaur?"


The, uh, second one...


"Okay, then, go ahead. Defiant out."


Gul Dukat laughed. "They must have run out of original names centuries ago!"


Gee, you think? Now, my sub-henchman, set a course for the fire caves, maximum speed!


"We're already in orbit! If we go that fast, we'll crash into the planet!"


Uh, you must have heard me wrong... I said to slow to, uh, whatever speed it is that its safe to land at!


Meanwhile, back at the Federation Maximum Security Prison, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were not having fun...


Valtane threw his bowl of soup against the wall. "Why? Why, why, why?"


Rand, in the cell across the hallway, looked over. "Why what? Why are the feeding us leola root stew, the most disgusting food in the universe?"


"No, why can't I come up with a good parody of some Star Trek episode for us to do here? If I can't, we won't get any screentime until we escape in the season finale!"


Back on the Relativity, Ducane finally located the Enterprise-Z on the temporal scanners. "Captain, I've found them! They're here in the 29th Century, on Bajor!"


"Excellent work, Ducane! Set a course for Bajor, maximum warp!"


"Sir, we don't have a warp drive. Advances in propulsion technology made them obsolete years ago."


"Then engage transwarp drive!"


"We don't have that either."


"Slipstream?"


"Nope."


"Co-axial?"


"Nada."


"Then tell me, Ducane, what do we have?"


"I have absolutely no idea. Wells-class ships don't have a whole lot of canon info on them..."


"Maybe we should ask the Chief Engineer what kind of drive we have."


"Sir, the Chief Engineer was Gul Dukat."


"Your point being?"


"He's the one we're trying to chase down."


"Ah... I see your point. Hey, not having a Chief Engineer is something else that's wrong! At this rate, our show will last forever!"


"Sure, sir, sure..."


"Anyway, set a course for Bajor, and go as fast as whatever drive we have will allow us!"


"Yes, sir!"


To Be Continued...

#25 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 03 March 2005 - 06:19 PM

Episode 17: "Buttons and Blithering Buffoons, Part I"
Written by "Krenim"

Published February 17, 2001

"Captain's Log, Stardate... You know, we do so much time-travelling I can never tell what stardate it is, so I'm just going to skip it from now on! Anyway, everything is now perfect, thanks to me! Wait a minute, if everything's perfect, that means the show is over! Nooooooooooooooo! Quick, Ducane, tell me something's wrong!"

"Well, sir, we still have to track down Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button, who escaped with the Enterprise-Z back in Episode 13."

Braxton breathed a sigh of relief. "Alright, let's go get them... Wait a minute, once we capture them, then the show will be over!"

Ducane shook his head in disgust. "Don't you keep track of anything that goes on around here? There's plenty of other stuff that's wrong! We have to get Jadzia a new symbiont so she won't have the IQ of a turnip anymore, and we still have to find out why in the galaxy the 31st Century Doctor from "Living Witness" is the Chief Medical Officer on our ship, which is from the 29th Century!"

"Okay, okay, I get your drift! Well, let's go get Elmo and the Button first. I'm in the mood for a great action episode."

"Very well, sir. I'll begin scanning the continuum for them."

"How long will that take?"

"I don't know, sir."

"Well, just don't take too long."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coincidentally, Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button were approaching Bajoran space at that exact moment. The Mysterious Red Button began to chuckle.

Soon, I will release the pah-wraiths upon the galaxy, and they will destroy everything! Mwahahahaha!

Dukat shrugged. "Well, you can try, but I'm telling you that I've tried that before! It didn't work!"

Shut up, Tickle-Me Elmo! Where you failed 500 years ago, I shall succeed! The universe will cower before my might!

A voice came over the Enterprise-Z's comm system. "Enterprise-Z, this is the Defiant-Q. Identify yourselves and state your purpose in coming to Bajor."

Dukat activated the comm system. "Wait a minute... Defiant-Q? I thought the only ships that had letters in their registration numbers were the Enterprise and Relativity..."

The voice answered, "Yeah, well, you try identifying yourself as the NCC-699838502094829038547!"

"Point taken. We are Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button, and we are here to release the pah-wraiths."

Idiot! You just told them our evil plan! I hereby demote you from henchman to sub-henchman!

"Aw..."

The Defiant's commander answered back. "Gul Dukat the evil 24th Century Cardassian dictator, or Gul Dukat the 29th Century's most beloved comedian?"

Uh, the comedian thing...

"The evil Mysterious Red Button from the Relativity, or the beloved Mysterious Red Button who is a great philosopher?"

The philosopher.

"And are you going to release the evil pah-wraiths who were banished from the Bajoran wormhole long ago, or the beloved pah-wraiths who have been taken hostage by a bunch of maniacs who worship Barney the Dinosaur?"

The, uh, second one...

"Okay, then, go ahead. Defiant out."

Gul Dukat laughed. "They must have run out of original names centuries ago!"

Gee, you think? Now, my sub-henchman, set a course for the fire caves, maximum speed!

"We're already in orbit! If we go that fast, we'll crash into the planet!"

Uh, you must have heard me wrong... I said to slow to, uh, whatever speed it is that its safe to land at!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, back at the Federation Maximum Security Prison, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior were not having fun...

Valtane threw his bowl of soup against the wall. "Why? Why, why, why?"

Rand, in the cell across the hallway, looked over. "Why what? Why are the feeding us leola root stew, the most disgusting food in the universe?"

"No, why can't I come up with a good parody of some Star Trek episode for us to do here? If I can't, we won't get any screentime until we escape in the season finale!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back on the Relativity, Ducane finally located the Enterprise-Z on the temporal scanners. "Captain, I've found them! They're here in the 29th Century, on Bajor!"

"Excellent work, Ducane! Set a course for Bajor, maximum warp!"

"Sir, we don't have a warp drive. Advances in propulsion technology made them obsolete years ago."

"Then engage transwarp drive!"

"We don't have that either."

"Slipstream?"

"Nope."

"Co-axial?"

"Nada."

"Then tell me, Ducane, what do we have?"

"I have absolutely no idea. Wells-class ships don't have a whole lot of canon info on them..."

"Maybe we should ask the Chief Engineer what kind of drive we have."

"Sir, the Chief Engineer was Gul Dukat."

"Your point being?"

"He's the one we're trying to chase down."

"Ah... I see your point. Hey, not having a Chief Engineer is something else that's wrong! At this rate, our show will last forever!"

"Sure, sir, sure..."

"Anyway, set a course for Bajor, and go as fast as whatever drive we have will allow us!"

"Yes, sir!"

To Be Continued...

#26 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 03 March 2005 - 06:22 PM

Episode 18: "Buttons and Blithering Buffoons, Part II"
Written by "Krenim"

Published February 18, 2001

"Captain's Log: We are now en route to the planet Bajor, where we must stop Chief Engineer Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button from following through with their evil plan. Before we get there, however, I have to hold a senior staff conference. It seems that my crew is rather miffed that they haven't been getting much screen time lately, so I figured a senior staff meeting would get them all a minute or two onscreen and get them off my back for a while."

And so, the Relativity senior staff gathered in the observation lounge. Each took their seat at the table, with Captain Braxton sitting in a rather large throne.

Braxton began the debate. "Okay, people, you wanted screentime, you got it. So, what are our options in dealing with Elmo and the Button?"

Lt. Yar spoke up first. "Sir, before we start on that, I have to ask... Why do you get to sit in a beautiful jeweled cushy throne while we have to sit in these hard wooden shabbily-built chairs?"

"Hey, as a starship captain, I have the right to indulge my own delusions of godhood!"

"No, you don't!"

Braxton took out a copy of Starfleet regulations. "Yes, I do! Take a look for yourself!"

Yar flipped through the book. "Hey, you wrote that in there! In crayon!"

"Fine, fine... When this is all over, I'll replicate a new set of chairs!"

Yar continued to flip through the book. "Hey, there is a regulation that says the security chief has a right to hit people anytime she wants!"

Braxton grabbed the book back. "Let me look at that! Well, what do you know... You can hit people anytime you want!"

Five minutes later, Braxton regained consciousness with a rather nasty black eye. "Okay, if no one else wants to hit me, let's proceed with planning how to capture our fugitives."

No one else spoke. Braxton rolled his eyes. "Okay, regardless of who else wants to hit me, let's proceed..."

Sulu got up and brought Dukat's bio onscreen. "I've been doing some research on Dukat, and I believe that if he is on Bajor, he may be trying to free the pah-wraiths from the fire caves. After all, that was what he was trying to do right before we brought him to our time."

Braxton shook his head. "I don't think so, Mr. Sulu. You see, I believe the Mysterious Red Button to be the brains of this operation. Therefore, we have to approach this from it's point of view. Now, we all know that a button's function is to be pushed. Therefore, it must be going somewhere where it can be pushed..."

All of a sudden, Kes fell to the floor. The Doctor pointed accusingly at Braxton. "See what your delusions of godhood have caused?!?! Now Kes is dead!"

Kes sat up. "No, actually, I'm quite alright."

The Doctor began crying. "Dead! Dead, I tell you, dead!" He ran sobbing out of the room.

Kes stood up. "I didn't fall down because of the poorly-constructed chair! I fell down because I had a vision!"

Braxton's eyes went wide. "Really? Me too! Did you ever have one where Captain Pike follows you around everywhere beeping incessantly?"

"Uh... No, sir..."

"Well, uh... That's, uh, good... Because I never had that one either... Really..."

"Anyway, I saw flames consuming the entire galaxy, and Dukat laughing maniacally."

"So, they must have gone to the fire caves after all..."

"I also saw piles of dead Borg and heard a voice that told me our galaxy will be purged."

"I'm sure that means nothing. I want everyone to go get a phaser rifle and meet me in Transporter Room 1."

Ducane smiled. "Good idea, sir! We had better beam down to the fire caves armed."

"Actually, I just wanted to use the transporter for target practice, but that's an even better idea, Ducane!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deep inside the Bajoran fire caves, Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button were in the process of downloading the e-Book of the Kosst Amojan...

What's taking so long? I want to destroy the galaxy before dinner!

"I told you we should have brought a faster modem, but would you listen to me? No..."

Silence! It doesn't really matter anyway. I'm a button. I don't eat.

"It's done downloading!"

Excellent. Begin reading the incantation!

So, Gul Dukat began reading the ancient tome of the e-Book of the Kosst Amojan. Before long, the bottomless pit in front of them spewed forth flame.

The Mysterious Red Button began to laugh maniacally. At last, I stand on the threshold of victory! But first, let's roast some marshmallows and make S'mores!

Seconds later, the Relativity senior staff beamed down into the fire cave.

Braxton pointed his phaser rifle at the Mysterious Red Button. "Alright, you two, stop your S'more-making of Evil!"

Never! Dukat, finish the spell and release the pah-wraiths!

Dukat dashed for his laptop, but Braxton grabbed it as well. Each tried to shake the other off the laptop, but finally Braxton got control of it. "No one will ever use this book to summon the pah-wraiths again! At least, not until someone else downloads it!" And with that, he threw the laptop into the fiery pit.

Nooooooooooooooo! Dukat, shove me into the pit so I may create the illusion that I jumped in in a desperate attempt to save the book!

"Okie dokie." With that, Dukat shoved the Mysterious Red Button into the pit, where it fell screaming forever, being a bottomless pit and all.

Braxton pointed his phaser at Dukat. "Well, Elmo, are you going to follow your master?"

"Nah. Been there, done that. I give up. I was tired of being his sub-henchman anyway."

"Very well, but you're still going to be arrested, and more than likely, in a convienant plot twist, you will be imprisoned next to the Excelsior crew."

"Okay, let's go..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Captain's Log: We've returned to the Federation Maximum Security Prison to drop off Gul Dukat. I have yet another black eye, thanks to Lt. Yar. I really need to ask the admiralty to take out that regulation. And so, we've resolved yet another plotline, bringing the series one step closer to its inevitable doom."

To Be Continued...

#27 Gregory House

Gregory House

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Posted 04 March 2005 - 12:51 AM

Episode 19: "A Pair O' Docs, Part I"

Written by "Krenim"
Published February 24, 2001


Out in deep space, a mysterious rift in the fabric of time appears, spitting out a small yet mysterious ship. The ship's computer confirmed its position to its occupant. 4D position confirmed. 29th Century. UTS Relativity 1.5 light-years away, bearing 035 mark 34.


The occupant, shrouded in shadow, was none too pleased. "This isn't the galaxy's largest ball of twine! Oh well, this was the next place I had to go... Set course for the Relativity!"


Meanwhile, on the Relativity's bridge, the Doctor exited the turbolift. "You wanted to see me, Captain?"


Braxton got up and turned to face the Doctor. "Yes, Doctor, I did. I've decided that I've decided to grant your request to have you modified into a ECH."


The Doctor's face lit up. "Yay! I'm going to be an Emergency Command Hologram!"


Braxton shook his head. "Emergency Command Hologram? No, I meant Emergency Cook Hologram! I haven't eaten a bite since we were on Voyager at the beginning of the series!"


The Doctor rolled his eyes. "We have replicators, you know..."


"Yes, well, everytime someone uses one of those things, someone gets trapped in them with the safeties off."


"You're thinking of holodecks, you moron!"


"Oh... Well, in that case, your request is denied. Dismissed! That's Starfleet for 'get out!' And it's Bolian for 'brain tumor!'"


Just as the Doctor was about to go back to Sickbay, the ship went to red alert and the warning klaxon went off. Braxton got back in his chair. "It's just one thing after another around here, isn't it? What's wrong now?"


Ducane checked the sensors. "There's a small ship heading towards us at Warp 9.9999999999999999999!"


"How long until it gets here?"


"It's already here, sir. It was going so fast, it got here before I could finish telling you it was heading towards us."


"Wow, that's fast! Hail the ship, Ducane!"


The bridge of the other ship came onscreen. It was dark, and no one on the Relativity could see the occupant well at all. A voice came over the comm. "So, Captain Braxton, we meet again!"


"Yes, we do! Uh, we do?"


"Yes, we do! Let me turn on the light, which just happens to be turned off right now as a plot device..."


The mysterious figure got up and went over to a light switch. The lights went on revealing... The Doctor!


Braxton got a really confused look on his face. "Wait a minute... How can you be over there and over here at the same time? How can this be happening?"


Ducane rolled his eyes again. "Sir, he's no doubt from another time. Remember how we just managed to resolve the plotline of your evil temporal clones?"


"Oh yeah... I had forgotten about them. Or him. Whichever. Anyway, what do you want, you other Doctor, you?"


The other Doctor grinned. "Just as moronic as ever, eh, Captain Braxton? Anyway, you may call me Future Doctor, because I am here from the future, and I am here to make sure all that has happened will happen!"


Braxton clapped his hands in excitement. "Oh goody, is this where we finally get to find out how the 31st Century Doctor from "Living Witness" is here in our time?"


"Yes, it is!"


"Alright then, get on with it!"


"First, we travel back to the 24th Century Delta Quadrant, where we will set the beginnings of this time loop into motion!"


"Back to Voyager again? Do we have to? I really hate those guys..."


"Yes, we have to! You and I will use your temporal transporter to go back in time!"


"Temporal transporter? I completely forgot about that thing... Wait a minute, if we have the ability to transport across time and space, what am I paying you for, Sulu?"


Sulu starting crying. "I don't know! I just wanted to be in the new series! And besides, I don't get paid!"


Back in the 24th Century Delta Quadrant, Captain Janeway was once again annoying Tom Paris with her impatience...


"Are we there yet?"


"No, ma'am."


"Are we there yet?"


"No."


"Are we there yet?"


"No, we're not there yet! We won't get back to Earth for another 60 years!"


"Wait a minute, aren't we only 30 years away?"


"This is early in the fourth season, when we're 60 years away, we pretend Kes never existed, and Seven saves the ship in every episode with her nanoprobes."


"Ah... Are we there yet?"


Just when Tom was about to get up and beat Janeway senseless, Captain Braxton and Future Doctor beamed onto the bridge.


Janeway got up and whipped out her phaser. "Alright, who are you and what are you doing on my bridge?"


The Doctor stepped forward. "Don't you recognize me, Captain? It's me, the Doctor! I've come back from the future!"


"That must be why I didn't recognize you. You sure have aged a lot."


"I'm a hologram! I don't age! I look exactly the same as the day I was first brought online!"


"Well, if you say so... Who's your friend?"


Braxton stepped forward as well. "Don't you recognize me, Captain? It's me, Captain Braxton!"


"You're not Captain Braxton! I've met Captain Braxton, and you're not him!"


"You won't believe how often people tell me that. You'd almost think I looked completely different at one point in time..."


Janeway put her phaser away and sat back down. "Alright, now that we've established who you are, tell me what you're doing on my bridge."


The Doctor handed Janeway a small boxlike object. "I'm here to give you this. I'm sure you'll find it quite useful."


Janeway studied the device. "Ooh, it's just what I always wanted! What is it?"


"It's a holomatrix storage device. You can use it to make a backup of the Doctor from your timeline."


"Hey, we could really use one of these things! Thanks a lot!"


"You're welcome, Captain. Come on, Captain Braxton, we've got to go back to the Relativity to set up the next part of the time loop."


So, Braxton and Future Doctor beamed away, leaving Janeway with the holomatrix storage device...


To Be Continued...

#28 Gregory House

Gregory House

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Posted 04 March 2005 - 12:54 AM

Episode 20: "A Pair O' Docs, Part II"

Written by "Krenim"
Published February 25, 2001


"Captain's Log: Future Doctor and I have returned to the Relativity after traveling back to the 24th Century to give Captain Janeway a holomatrix storage device. However, Future Doctor has informed me that only set up the first part of the time loop, which will culminate in finally explaining how the "Living Witness" Doctor is aboard our ship."


Future Doctor walked over to Sulu. "Mr. Sulu, set a course for 31st Century Earth!"


"31st Century Earth, aye."


Ducane objected. "Now, I realize that we're setting up an already existant time loop, but traveling into our own future is a big Starfleet no-no."


Future Doctor smirked. "I understand, Ducane, but this is absolutely necessary. Besides, if everyone obeyed Starfleet protocols all the time, we would never have exciting adventures, and the show would be cancelled."


And so, the Relativity lept into the timestream and vanished from the 29th Century...


Meanwhile, back in the Federation Maximum Security Prison, Rand and Valtane were trying to entertain their comrades by singing their theme song.



They're Rand and Valtane!
They're Rand and Valtane!
One once got fired,
The other's a pain!
They're travelling through time,
Soon we'll end this stupid rhyme!
They're Rand, they're Rand and Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane!



Evil Braxton began screaming. "Make it stop! Make it stop!"


Rand scowled. "Well, do you have a better idea of what we can do while we're stuck in here?"


"Yeah, we need to think of a way to get out of here! We need to think of a way to get back to our ship!"


Gul Dukat, who was a cell next to the Excelsior's crew's cells, spoke up. "I think I have an idea as to how you can get out of here."


Evil Braxton turned to face him. "Why should we listen to anything you have to say? You're a member of Captain Braxton's crew!"


"Not anymore. I kind of forfeited that when I tried to help the Mysterious Red Button destroy the galaxy."


"Ah... I see your point. Still, why would you help us?"


"Because I want to be your chief engineer! I mean, come on, I'd have to be better than Inspector Gadget."


"Speaking of Inspector Gadget, where the devil is he? Shouldn't he have been brought in here with us?"


Rand answered. "They thought he was a Borg drone, so they sent him into Borg space in an escape pod..."


We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.


"Wowsers!"


"Oh, well I guess the position is open. Welcome to my crew! What's your plan?"


"Well, my plan is that Dark Helmet uses his Shwartz powers to convince the guards to let us back on the Excelsior, where we'll steal it and cause mayhem and chaos throughout the galaxy!"


"That's brilliant, Dukat! Bwahahahaha!"


In the corner of his own cell, Galvatron began to sulk. Muttering to himself, he added, "We'll just see about that. I make you all pay for maniacally laughing when that's my bit. Mwahahaha!"


The Relativity emerged back in normal space in the 31st Century, in orbit around Earth. The crew stared at the viewscreen. Jadzia was the first one to speak. "Hey, the Earth looks like one of those things... You know, those things from fires..."


Ducane managed to say the word. "A cinder."


Sure enough, the planet below them had been scorched into oblivion. Future Doctor stood next to the viewscreen. "Welcome to Earth."


Braxton gasped. "Well, I know I'm not exactly the brightest guy on this ship, but somehow I get the feeling that the fact that Earth will look like a piece of charcoal in only 200 years is a bad thing..."


"Of course it's a bad thing, you moron! I should know, this is the third time I've seen it this way!"


Ducane looked puzzled. "The third time?"


Future Doctor explained. "We just gave Captain Janeway a holomatrix storage device, which will allow her and her crew to make a backup copy of their Doctor, which is me. However, that storage device gets stolen when Voyager gets caught in the middle of a war between the Kyrians and the Vascans. My holomatrix remains inactive for 700 years, until a historian by the name of Quarren reactivates me. After serving as an official there for a while, I decided to set course for the Federation, following the path of Voyager. Unfortunately, when I got back, I found the Federation destroyed. Earth, Vulcan, Betazed, all completely destroyed."


Braxton shouted. "That's one! One time! Ha ha ha!" The rest of the crew puzzled as thunder and lightening filled the bridge.


Future Doctor resumed his story. "As I was puzzling over what to do next, a ship appeared. This ship. Aboard was a future version of myself, who told me I had to stop all this from happening. He took me back to the 29th Century, where I became the chief medical officer onboard the Relativity. Unfortunately, I was unable to prevent the disaster from occuring, and so once again, I found myself in a Federation full of dead worlds."


"That's two! Two times! Ha ha ha!"


"Shut up, Braxton! Anyway, I went back in time once more, when I met you in the last episode, to set up the entire time loop. Now, we're going to meet my past self so we can take him back to the past, so he can try to prevent the disaster again."


Ducane stood up, and pointed at the viewscreen. "If you've already tried to stop this disaster from taking place, how do you know your past self, who will eventually become our Doctor, will succeed this time?"


"Because this time, I know exactly what triggers the disaster. I'll tell my past self, so that your Doctor will know what to do when the time comes."


"Ah... Then that must be your past self's ship approaching now."


Yar checked the scanners. "Confirmed. The ship's energy signature is Kyrian."


And so, everything happened as it did before, except that Future Doctor took Past Doctor aside, whispering to him what he had learned from the past time loop. Past Doctor went back to the Relativity's past via the temporal transporter.


And the time came for Future Doctor to leave. Ducane shook his hand as he stepped onto the temporal transporter pad. "So, Future Doctor, now that you've set up the time loop, what are you going to do now?"


As Future Doctor vanished in a blue shimmer, he said, "I'm going to EuroDisneyland!"


Finally, the Relativity made the return trip to the 29th Century. Braxton laughed. "Well, now we know. And knowing is half the battle!"


However, the Doctor walked over and looked down at Braxton. "Sir, I think we should head back to the Federation Maximum Security Prison."


"And just who do you think you are giving me orders?"


"I think I'm the guy who was told by his future self that the event that triggers the destruction of the Federation is the escape of the Excelsior crew in the very near future."


"So, what's your point?"


"So, if we want to save the Federation, we should make sure the Excelsior crew does not escape."


"Ah... I see your point. Very well. Mr. Sulu..."


"That's CAPTAIN Sulu!"


"Okay... Captain Sulu, set a course for the Federation Maximum Security Prison!"


To Be Continued...

#29 Gregory House

Gregory House

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Posted 07 March 2005 - 07:49 PM

Episode 21: "Dax Evasion, Part I"

Written by "Krenim"
Published March 1, 2001


"Captain's Log: Acting on information given to the Doctor by his future self, we have returned to the Federation Maximum Security Prison to make sure the evil crew of the evil Excelsior doesn't escape and make the member worlds of the Federation look like the burnt popcorn kernels you always find at the bottom of a popcorn bag. Meanwhile, I understand that the Doctor has a bit of good news for our science officer, Jadzia, which is kind of suprising, because we almost never get good news on this ship. It's either jailbreaks or getting blown into alternate dimensions or repairing the timeline or stopping small red inanimate objects from destroying the galaxy. Ducane, I hereby order that people will only give me good news from now on! No more bad news!"


Down in the Relativity's Sickbay, the Doctor was giving Jadzia the good news. "A symbiont has become available for you, Jadzia!"


"A what?"


"Symbiont."


"Huh?"


"The slug-thing you had in your stomach!"


"Oh..."


"Yes, and not only that, that symbiont is the Dax symbiont! After 500 years, Jadzia Dax will be whole once more! Mwahahahaha!"


"You're frightening me, Doctor."


"Yes, I know."


Meanwhile, on the Federation Maximum Security Prison, Captain Braxton, Lt. Ducane, and Lt. Yar stepped off the turbolift onto the cellblock where the evil crew of the evil Excelsior was imprisoned.


Evil Braxton sneered at his counterpart. "So, what are you doing here, Captain Braxton?"


Captain Braxton's face was dead serious. "We have been warned from the future that you and your evil crew are about to escape and destroy the Federation, so we are here to make sure you do not escape! That, and I think I dropped my wallet here last time I was here. Have you seen it?"


"No, I haven't seen your stupid wallet!"


"Oh well... Anyway, you won't get away, because I'm going to have your guarded around the clock!"


"Well, we're still going to escape anyway!"


"Good, then I can let down your forcefields... Wait a minute, I'm suddenly getting this awful sense of deja vu..."


Ducane whispered, "Sir, that's how the Braxton Bunch tricked you into letting them go way back in Episode 1."


"Oh yeah... Too bad, Evil Braxton, you're not going to get away this time!"


Evil Braxton shook his fist at the Starfleet officers. "Curse you, Captain Braxton! Just remember this... Revenge is a dish that is best served lukewarm!"


"What the heck is that supposed to mean?"


"I don't know, but when I find out, I'll let you know."


Several hours later, a courier ship from Trill arrived at the prison, and transferred the Dax symbiont to the Relativity. Several hours after that, the Doctor entered Captain Braxton's ready room. "I can't do it! I just can't do it! I've run the simulation 47 times, and I just can't do it!"


Braxton took a while to remember just what the Doctor was talking about, but finally asked, "You can't attach the Dax symbiont to Jadzia?"


"Oh, I can do that easily enough. It's just that every time I try the simulation, her stupidity is so obnoxious that I wind up replicating a sledge hammer and knocking myself out with it so I don't have to listen to her anymore."


"Well, think about it this way, Doctor... Once you get the symbiont in, she won't be stupid anymore, so you won't have to listen to her inane babbling ever again."


"Hmm... Thanks, Captain! I feel much more confident that I can perform the operation now!"


As the Doctor left, Ducane entered. "Captain, I'm impressed with that advice you gave the Doctor!"


"Thanks! Hey, wait a minute... How did you know what I told the Doctor?"


"Well, I've been listening outside your door everytime you talk to someone in there so I make sure to countermand your often idiotic and sometimes insane orders. And in doing so, I've come to an important conclusion."


"What's that, Ducane?"


"I think you're getting less idiotic and insane. Some of your orders are actually beginning to make sense!"


"You know, I do believe you're right, Ducane! I wonder why that is..."


"Well, after the Doctor finishes up with Jadzia, you could ask him to take a scan of your brain."


"Very well, Ducane! In the meantime, I shall continue reveling in the goodness that is this episode."


And so, the Doctor managed to reattach the Dax symbiont to Jadzia. She was resting in Sickbay until a bunch of soldiers stormed in and pointed their phaser rifles at her.


Jadzia, still a bit weak, was quite annoyed. "Now listen here! I don't know who you are, but I just got a slug in my stomach to get all my vocabulary back, and I'm not in the mood to be held hostage by a bunch of guys in black! Now get out of here before my knowledge of Klingon torture methods is fully restored!"


The lead soldier stepped forward. "I'm sorry, but I can't do that. Jadzia Dax, by the authority of the Trill IRS, you are under arrest for tax evasion! Accounting for inflation over 500 years, you now owe five hundred trillion Trill dollars!"


"I'll bet you can't say 'trillion Trill' five times fast."


"Trillion Trill. Trillion Trill. Trill... Wait a minute! You're under arrest! Until we can transport you to Trill, you'll be held here at the Federation Maximum Security Prison. Specifically, right next to the Excelsior crew and Gul Dukat."


"You know, I'm beginning to think the only floor of that prison is the one all those idiots are on..."


Shortly thereafter, Braxton, Ducane, and Yar were on the prison floor where Dax was being held. Dax got up and stood close to the forcefield. "Captain, you've got to help me! I forgot to pay my Trill taxes before I got blasted by Gul Dukat, and now I owe five hundred trillion Trill dollars!"


Braxton thought for a second. "I've got it! We'll travel back in time and make sure your taxes are paid, so you won't owe the money, and they'll let you go!"


Yar spoke up. "Sir, while we're off trying to help Dax, we won't be here to make sure the Excelsior crew doesn't escape and set off the destruction of the Federation."


"Lt. Yar, when it comes down to solving the financial problems of one person or saving the lives of the entire population of the Federation, I will choose the financial problems of one person every time! Let's go!"


As Braxton headed for the turbolift, Yar whispered to Ducane, "I thought you said he was better."


Ducane sighed. "Yeah, but apparantly not much..."


And so, the Relativity detached itself from the prison station, and jumped into the timestream...


To Be Continued...

#30 Gregory House

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Posted 07 March 2005 - 07:50 PM

Episode 22: "Dax Evasion, Part II"

Written by "Krenim"
Published March 6, 2001


"Captain's Log: The Relativity is now in orbit around Deep Space Nine, a 24th Century outpost in the Bajoran System. In order to escape detection by those of this time period, we have engaged our previously unmentioned cloaking device. I'm sure the Romulans would be most unhappy if they knew we had one, but what they don't know won't hurt them. Unless we declare war on them, in which case it would probably hurt them. Anyway, we have arrived shortly before Dax's supposed death, in hopes of paying her taxes on time."


In the Relativity's observation lounge, the crew began discussing how to proceed.


Ducane handed out mission briefings. "We will only be taking a few of you onto Deep Space Nine for this mission. We'll only be taking Captain Braxton, myself, and Kes. The rest of you could be recognized by Deep Space Nine personnel, and therefore will stay onboard the ship."


Kes, look puzzled, asked, "How exactly are we going to pay Dax's taxes? The Federation doesn't use money, so we don't have any to pay her taxes with."


Captain Braxton whipped out a box. "That's not entirely true. One of my hobbies just happens to be collecting different types of currency from throughout time, and I just happen to have some from this time period. I have here the equivalent of 100 Trill dollars of Breen money, which must be kept in this cryogenic capsule. Gives new meaning to the term 'cold hard cash," doesn't it?"


"Yes, but according to this, Dax's debt amounts to 500 Trill dollars."


"That's where you come in, Kes! You're going to go to Quark's gambling establishment, and use your nearly-omnipotent powers to win enough money to pay Dax's taxes!"


"You know, I could just use my nearly-omnipotent powers to create some money, you know..."


"True, but then this would be a really short episode, so just play along..."


Meanwhile, back in the 29th Century, Dax was having to put up with the evil crew of the evil Excelsior...


Evil Braxton taunted Dax. "You foolish goody-goody! It doesn't matter if your friends pay your taxes or not, because this entire universe is doomed! Mwahahaha!"


Galvatron pointed his particle cannon at Evil Braxton. "If you steal my bit one more time, I'm going to reduce you to free floating atoms!"


Evil Braxton stared down the cannon's barrel. "Why'd they let you keep that?"


"I told them it was a really big watch."


"Oh... Well, anyway... When we escape from this accursed place, which should be in the next episode or two, we will wreak such terror that none shall survive!"


Dax rolled her eyes. "Sure, Evil Braxton, sure... Captain Braxton will make sure that you don't escape, so I wouldn't be planning mass destruction any time soon."


Evil Braxton thought for a second. "Yes, my temporal counterpart seems to have gotten significantly brighter lately. I wonder why..."


Gul Dukat, who had been busy annoying Dax by pretending to zap her with pah-wraith energy for several hours straight, suddenly had a thought. "Maybe something fixed his temporal psychosis."


Evil Braxton shook his head. "Impossible. Nothing can make such improvement in temporal psychosis, least of all such an extreme case like Captain Braxton's. Unless..."


With that thought, Evil Braxton turned and began thinking...


Meanwhile, back in the 24th Century, Braxton, Ducane, and Kes walked into Quark's Bar. Braxton rubbed his hands together greedily. "This'll be like taking candy from a baby!"


Ducane looked up and gasped. "I don't think so, sir..."


Braxton thwacks his first officer upside the head. "Now, I know that I don't make sense a lot of the time, Ducane, but even I know that having a nearly-omnipotent being play cards against mere humanoids is sure to get us all the money we need!"


"Uh, sir, look up at that sign..."


So Braxton looked up at a big sign hanging over the gambling area, which read in big letters, "Welcome Nearly-Omnipotent Being Conventioneers!"


Sure enough, the entire bar was populated with nearly-omnipotent beings, ranging from Organians to members of the Q Continuum.


Braxton threw a fit. "No! No no no no! This isn't fair! I actually had a good plan this time!"


Kes tried to calm Braxton down. "I could still just zap some money into existance. See? Poof! Money! Poof! More money!"


Sure enough, more than enough money to pay off Dax's taxes was in Kes' hands. Braxton finally conceded. "Fine, but I'm telling you this is going to be a really short episode..."


So, the trio mailed the money, along with a note telling the Trill IRS what the money was for, via Federation Express (for when it absolutely, positively has to be halfway across the quadrant overnight).


Afterwards, the three returned to the Relativity, and the ship lept back into the timestream. Braxton, sitting in his chair, muttered to himself, "Well, everything's set up for the season finale. The hall is rented, the orchestra engaged, now it's time to see if we can dance..."


To Be Continued...

#31 Gregory House

Gregory House

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Posted 23 August 2005 - 09:21 PM

Episode 24: "The Fire In Which We Burn, Part I"

(it skips to 24 as ep. 23 was just a Recap... lol)

Written by: "Krenim"


"Captain's Log: Well, the season finale is upon us, and something tells me something really bad is going to happen, because we actually have a serious episode title! Anyway, we have returned to the 29th Century Federation Maximum Security Prison. Since we made sure her taxes were paid up back in the 24th Century, Dax has been released and has returned to duty aboard the Relativity. We are continuing to be vigilant in our guarding of the evil crew of the evil Excelsior, for if they escape, the galaxy is doomed!"

Yar exited the turbolift and stepped onto the bridge. "It's your turn to watch the Excelsior crew, Captain Braxton."

Braxton sighed. "Aw man... If I have to listen to the Rand and Valtane theme song one more time, I'm going to go insane."

"You already are insane, sir."

"Oh yeah... Well, I'll go even more insane!"

"And I'd keep a really good eye on them, sir. I think they're about to try to escape."

"What makes you think that?"

"They're all wearing 'I came up with an evil plan to escape the Federation Maximum Security Prison and all I got was this lousy T-shirt' T-shirts."

"Ah... I don't get it."

"Just shut up and go watch the Excelsior crew!"

"Fine, fine."

So, Captain Braxton went down to the floor of the Federation Maximum Security Prison that the evil crew of the evil Excelsior was imprisoned on. Of course, he managed to walk in right in the middle of another round of the Rand and Valtane theme song.

Evil Braxton quieted his crew down once he caught sight of his counterpart. "So, I see it's your turn to watch us, Captain Braxton! I'm quite delighted!"

"You are?"

"Yes, that means we can escape now!"

"I don't think so... You're all trapped behind Level 47 forcefields with the controls under quadruple encryptions!"

"Yes, and you're going to let us out."

"I'm not falling for your tricks this time, Evil Braxton!"

"Oh, I didn't intend that you would. Instead, I'm going to use the combined mental powers of Dark Helmet and Yoda to seize control of your mind and force you to open the forcefields!"

"That's not good."

"Well duh."

"I don't suppose there's any way I could convince you not to do that?"

"No, not particularly."

"Darn."

Yoda began waving his hand in Captain Braxton's direction. "The droids you are looking for these are not... The droids you are looking for these are not..."

Evil Braxton banged his head into the wall in disgust. "Yoda, you moron! I want you to make him open the forcefields!"

"Oh... Open the forcefields you will... Open the forcefields you will..."

Captain Braxton attempted to resist the mental command, but once Dark Helmet joined in, he was powerless to stop himself. He punched his command codes into the control panel, and the forcefields for all the cells except Galvatron's went down. The Excelsior crew stepped out of their cells and cheered.

Galvatron, however, was not too pleased. "Hey, what about me?"

Evil Braxton grinned wickedly. "I'm leaving you in there, Galvatron! From now on, I do my own evil laughing! Mwahahahaha!"

Galvatron tried to shoot Evil Braxton with his particle cannon, but the beam was stopped by the forcefields. The Excelsior crew began walking down the hallway, with Evil Braxton laughing evilly all the way. "Yoda, make Captain Braxton come with us! I have special plans for him..."

Dr. Frankenstein walked beside Evil Braxton. "So, what are we going to do now?"

Evil Braxton smiled. "We're going to destroy the galaxy!"

"Excellent, but how are we going to do that?"

Yoda pointed to a nearby door. "Try that door we might."

The Excelsior crew walked up to the door. Evil Braxton read the label on it. "Top Secret Temporal Weapons of Mass Destruction? Yeah, I think this is the door we want."

Dr. Frankenstein scratched his head in confusion. "Why would they keep such dangerous things right next to the most dangerous criminals in the galaxy?"

"It's called a plot device. Fortunately, it's one that works in our favor. Alright, I want each of you to get one top secret temporal weapon of mass destruction and bring it with you. We have to get back to our ship and get out of here..."

Back on the bridge of the Relativity, Ducane checked the time. "Hmm... Captain Braxton should have been back by now. I guess I'd better go take over the watch."

Yar checked the scanners. "Sir, I don't think he just forgot! Almost all of the forcefields on that floor of the prison are down! They must have escaped!"

Ducane tapped his communicator. "Ducane to all security personnel! Converge on the Excelsior detention floor!"

He then opened a nearby arms cabinet and whipped out a phaser rifle. "Alright, people, we have fugitives! I want a hard target search of every prison deck, Excelsior deck, Relativity deck, and every other deck, or else I'll deck you!"

As the Excelsior crew, with the mind-controlled Captain Braxton, were in the turbolift heading for the deck where their ship was docked, the alarm went off. The computer's voice came over the comm. Warning! Prison escape in progress! Warning! Prison escape in progress!

Evil Braxton calmed his crew. "Don't worry, it's probably not talking about us."

The computer added, Yes, I'm talking about you and your crew, Evil Braxton.

"Aw..."

The turbolift doors opened, and they all ran as fast as they could through the airlock into the Excelsior. Before the security guards could fire their phasers at them, they closed the airlock.

Yar continued to monitor the situation. "Sir, the Excelsior crew have gotten aboard their ship, and they have Captain Braxton with them!"

On the main viewscreen, the crew watched as the Excelsior detached itself from the prison station, engaged its drive, and vanished from sight.

Ducane pointed at the viewscreen. "CAPTAIN Sulu, follow that ship!"

And so, the Relativity broke its orbit around the prison and began its pursuit...

To Be Continued...

#32 Gregory House

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Posted 23 August 2005 - 09:23 PM

Episode 25: "The Fire In Which We Burn, Part II"

Written by: "Krenim"

"First Officer's Log: The Excelsior crew has escaped from the Federation Maximum Security Prison and kidnapped Captain Braxton. We are currently in pursuit, and even though the Excelsior has jumped to ludicrous speed thanks to their evil first officer's abilities, our superior drive system is allowing us to slowly catch up to them."

Yar grinned. "We're now within weapons range, sir. Shall I fire?"

Ducane kept a grim expression. "Fire a few warning shots. Target non-vital systems."

The Excelsior bridge shook. Hawk checked the internal sensors. "Shields are down to 94%! Just for those keeping score, that's two times 47%!"

Evil Braxton grinned. "They're making sure not to hurt their dear dim-witted captain... Fortunately, as an evil villain, I have no such compulsion to not hurt them! Fire all aft weapons!"

The Excelsior fired its aft torpedoes, the impacts of which were easily absorbed by the Relativity's shields.

Hawk noted the ineffectiveness. "Sir, I just remembered something. Remember when we got the shield upgrade at Crazy Khan's House of Shields?"

"Of course I do, Hawk! After all, the recap was just two episodes ago..."

"Well, it just occured to me we probably should have gotten a weapons upgrade, too."

"Yes... But I have an idea as to how we can disable the Relativity long enough for me to exact my revenge on Captain Braxton and the entire Federation! Bwahahahaha!"

Evil Braxton picked up one of the temporal weapons of mass destruction and made his way to the Excelsior's shuttlebay. He opened the shuttlebay doors, so that only the forcefield kept the atmosphere from blowing out into space. "Here's the windup, and the pitch!"

And with that, Evil Braxton armed the device and threw it out the forcefield...

Yar noted something odd on the sensors. "Sir, I think they just threw something at us. Literally."

Ducane smiled. "They must be out of ammo..."

Yar scanned the object and all the blood drained from her face. "Sir, the object is one of the temporal weapons of mass destruction that the Excelsior crew stole from the prison!"

Ducane was horrified. "All power to the shields! Ducane to all hands: Brace for impact!"

The weapon detonated the instant it hit the shields, exploding with enough force to cause the ship to start flipping over backwards.

Consoles started exploding all around the Relativity's bridge. Ducane was not amused. "Give me a break! I thought exploding consoles were Voyager's gimmick! Anyway, Yar, I need a damage report!"

"Shields are down, and most of our primary systems are offline!"

"How long will we need until we can resume pursuit?"

"How should I know? Who do I look like, the chief engineer?"

"No, I can honestly say you look nothing like Gul Dukat... Anyway, I want this ship operational as soon as possible!"

Captain Braxton awoke to find himself strapped on a table upside-down. Suddenly, the table began to rotate, until he found himself lying upright on an incline facing Evil Braxton, who was chuckling to himself. "So, Captain Braxton, I see you have returned to the realm of the conscious..."

"Uh, yeah... When exactly was I knocked out? I don't remember that part of the story..."

"When Dr. Frankenstein drugged you so Dark Helmet and Yoda could be free to do other things than keep control of your mind? That wasn't seen onscreen."

"Oh... Anyway, what's you evil game this time, Evil Braxton?"

"First, you use the word 'evil' way too much. It's always 'evil crew' this and 'evil Excelsior' that! Get a thesaurus! Second, it's fortunate for you that we've reached the part of the story where the villain explains his plan to the hero. See? I've even brought all sorts of charts and diagrams..."

"Very impressive. Okay, begin with the explanation..."

"Okay, I first got the idea for this plan when Dax made the offhand comment that you were getting smarter. Now, no Federation medicine, no matter how good, can make that kind of longterm progress on curing temporal psychosis. So, I thought about it, and came to this conclusion: The Borg implant in your brain is responsible!"

"You mean the implant I got way back in Episode 5 when Seven of Nine got sick of me repeating everything everyone else said and injected nanoprobes into me which built a Borg implant in my brain that would give me a shock anytime I did so?"

"Yeah, that's the one. I ran a scan of your brain while you were unconscious, and it turns out the implant is also curing your temporal psychosis."

"That's nice to know and all, but what does this have to do with your evil plan?"

"Well, the first part of my plan is to have my revenge on you. So, I'm going to have Dr. Frankenstein remove the Borg implant from your brain, thus leaving you as you were back at the beginning of the series!"

"You friend!"

"I think you mean 'fiend,' you moron..."

"Right... You fiend!"

"That's not all, Captain! I know that your temporal psychosis is amplified around temporal phenomena, so I'm going to launch you in an escape pod into the gravitational field of a black hole! Once you cross the event horizon, no one will be able to save you, and the time dilation effects will make sure that you are trapped inside your own twisted mind for all eternity! Mwhahaha!"

"That's awful!"

"Well, they don't call me Evil Braxton for nothing..."

"And what's the second part of your plan?"

"I'm going to detonate all of the temporal weapons of mass destruction we've stolen all at the same time, thus destroying the Federation!"

"You'll never get away with this!"

"Of course I will. Your precious Relativity has been disabled, so there's no one to stop me! Dr. Frankenstein, prep the good Captain for surgery..."

To Be Continued...

#33 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 23 August 2005 - 10:05 PM

youve been keeping this alive? great!

#34 Gregory House

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Posted 24 August 2005 - 10:31 PM

Episode 26: "The Fire In Which We Burn, Part III" (Season 1 Finale)

Written by: "Krenim"

"Evil Captain's Evil Log: After several hours in Sickbay, Dr. Frankenstein has successfully removed the Borg implant from my counterpart's brain. We have returned him to the Excelsior's engineering section, which just happens to look like the Enterprise-E's engineering section. Okay, it doesn't just happen to look like it... It's the end of the season, and we're spending all our budget on special effects, so we're having to reuse old sets. So, just in case you're wondering why the scene in the last episode where Captain Braxton wakes up is very similar to the scene in Star Trek: First Contact where Data wakes up, that's why. We just forgot to mention that in the last episode, that's all."

Ending the log, Evil Braxton began another tirade of evil laughing. After a while, he stopped and motioned to Rand. "Open a comm channel to the Relativity!"

Rand paused. "Sir? Why are we calling them?"

"Because, unless I miss my guess, they have just about repaired the damage to their ship, and are about to give chase to us again. Therefore, we have to keep them occupied..."

So, Rand complied with Evil Braxton's wishes...

"First Offier's Log, Supplemental: After several hours of around-the-clock work, we are about ready to resume our hunt for the Excelsior. I can only hope we'll get there in time to save Captain Braxton..."

Ducane was about to give the order to follow their adversaries when Dax spoke up. "Sir, we're receiving a transmission. It's the Excelsior!"

"Onscreen!"

Evil Braxton's face appeared on the main viewscreen. "HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN? ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

"Huh?"

"Uh... I mean, we have your captain, Ducane! We've removed the Borg implant controlling his temporal psychosis and are about to launch him into a black hole!"

"You fiend!"

"Well, at least somebody on your ship can get that response right... Anyway, if you wish to save him, you had better get here soon! Mwahahahaha! Excelsior out."

Evil Braxton's face vanished, and Dax checked the sensors. "I have their coordinates, sir!"

"Very well. Set course for the Excelsior, maximum velocity!"

Back in the Excelsior's engineering section, Captain Braxton woke up. Evil Braxton grinned wickedly. "Good morning, Captain Braxton! Let's see if you're back to repeating what everyone says..."

"No, let's see if I'm back to repeating what everyone says..."

"Hahahaha! I see that you are! Hawk, get a few security guards, throw Captain Braxton into an escape pod, and launch him into the black hole!"

A few minutes later, Braxton was all alone, caught in the black hole's gravitational field, and not having the best mental health day. "Say... With this whirling disk of gas around this black hole, it kind of looks like a giant fried egg... Mmm, giant fried egg... It's so giant and fried and egglike..." And with that, he began drooling (but not from hunger).

On the Excelsior's bridge, Evil Braxton then got together all the temporal weapons of mass destruction and handed them to Valtane. "I want you to rig all of these to detonate all at the same time. Soon, the Federation will be destroyed! Harvey the Wonder Hamster, set a course away from the Relativity! Dark Helmet, take us to ludicrous speed!"

Soon, the Relavity arrived at the black hole, and the Excelsior set up a position just out of range of the Relativity's weapons.

Ducane turned to Dax. "Scan for Captain Braxton's lifesigns!"

Valtane put the finishing touches on the superweapon. "Sir, the superweapon is ready to go, but I have no idea what all these weapons will do when they detonate together!"

Evil Braxton got up and activated the device himself. It began counting down. 30... 29... 28...

Dax confirmed the readings on her scanners. "Sir, I'm sorry... Captain Braxton has passed beyond the black hole's event horizon. There's no way we can get him back now."

15... 14... 13...

Valtane suddenly had an intelligent thought. "Sir, are you sure it's wise to be anywhere near this superweapon when it explodes?"

Evil Braxton ceased his evil laughing. "You know, come to think of it, it's probably not..."

3... 2... 1... Have a nice day!

To Be Continued...

#35 Gregory House

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Posted 24 August 2005 - 10:36 PM

Star Trek: Series ? is now in SEASON 2

Episode 27: "The Charge of the Fire Brigade"

Written by" "Krenim"

Previously, on Star Trek: Series ?, Captain Braxton had the Borg implant in his brain removed and was launched into a black hole by the Excelsior crew. The Relativity arrived to save him, but were too late: Braxton had already passed the black hole's event horizon. Furthermore, Evil Braxton had all the temporal weapons of mass destruction hooked together and detonated just as he and his crew realized it was probably not a good idea to be at ground zero. And now the conclusion. Or is that the continuation? Whichever.

Ducane tried to think of an alternate plan. "Yar, I want you to blast a hole in the event horizon! That way, we can beam Captain Braxton aboard!"

"Excuse me, sir, but this is not Voyager. Contrary to the episode "Parallax," you can't have a hole in an event horizon."

"Curse you and your science, Yar! There's got to be a way to get Captain Braxton out of there! I mean, we can't have the star of the show leave after only one season! This isn't 'Babylon 5'!"

Jadzia agreed with Yar. "I'm sorry, sir, but there's just no way we can get him back. Look at it this way... As second-in-command, you're the new captain of the Relativity!"

Sulu turned around abruptly. "Hey, I'm the highest ranking Starfleet officer on this ship! If anyone's going to be be the new captain, it's going to be me!"

Just as Ducane and Sulu were about to beat the stuffing out of each other, the ship went to Red Alert. Dax checked the sensors. "Sir, a Level 47 temporal shockwave has appeared centered on the Excelsior's last known location. It will hit us in approximately one minute."

Ducane stopped giving Sulu noogies and got back in the captain's chair. "Onscreen!"

Sure enough, a giant red energy shockwave was headed straight for them. Ducane sighed in disgust. "Great, another two-dimensional shockwave... When are these special effects people going to realize that explosions go in all directions? Anyway, Dax, how much of a danger does this temporal shockwave pose?"

Dax ran a projection through the computer. "It's only dangerous to those near the origin of the wave, but it'll cause temporal havoc across the Federation..."

"I'm assuming we're close enough to the origin to be in danger..."

"Yes, sir."

"Very well. Yar, raise shields!"

Yar brought the shields online, but Dax shook her head. "That's not going to be enough to withstand the force of the shockwave, sir!"

"Okay then... Divert power from the weapons, transporters, holodecks, replicators, and life support to the shields!"

"Sir, that's still not going to be enough!"

"Geez... Okay, divert power from the amusement park, the casino, the mall, and the Starbucks to the shields!"

"Okay, sir, that should be enough! Impact in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."

And with that, the wave of fire and time slammed into the Relativity. Sulu's favorite tea cup fell to the floor and shattered to pieces. Sulu looked down at the cup's remains. "You know, I really must remember not to drink tea while the ship is getting battered by shockwaves..."

While the crew were trying to keep the ship together, Dax noticed something interesting. "Lt. Ducane, the shockwave's temporal properties are interacting with the black hole's gravitational field, causing the event horizon to shrink! We can get Captain Braxton back, but we only have until the shockwave passes to do it!"

Ducane smiled. "See, I told you we weren't going to pull a B5! Sulu, try to get us closer to the black hole! Dax, I want you to lock onto the captain and beam him aboard!"

Dax whipped out her manual. "Sir, that order breaks Trek Tech Commandments 1 and 2!"

"What Commandments are those?"

"'Thou shalt not beam through shields' and 'Thou shalt not use a device that thou hast diverted power from.'"

"Curse you and your science, Dax! Is there another way we can get Captain Braxton out of there?"

"We could extend our shields around the escape pod he's in, and then use the tractor beams to bring him into the shuttlebay."

"Why didn't you suggest that in the first place?"

"You didn't ask."

Ducane banged his head into the console a few times, then sprang into action. "Sulu, bring us just outside the black hole's normal event horizon radius! Yar, extend the shields! Dax, engage the tractor beam!"

And so, the escape pod was brought aboard the Relativity. Seconds later, the shockwave passed.

Ducane then turned his attention to other things. "Dax, what happened to the Excelsior?"

"Well, sir... That's kind of strange. I'm not picking it up on sensors, but I'm not picking up any wreckage, either."

"What about temporal sensors?"

"Still nothing."

"Upcoming episode sensors?"

"Nada."

"That is strange... Oh well, at least they're out of our hair for a while. Have the captain beamed to Sickbay. That's where I'm headed as well. Sulu, you have the bridge."

Sulu got up, ran over to the captain's chair, and began yelling "Mine, mine, mine!" over and over again.

A few minutes later, Ducane walked into Sickbay, where the Doctor was busy running scans on Captain Braxton. "How is he, Doctor?"

The Doctor frowned. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that the evil crew of the evil Excelsior did, in fact, carry out their threat to remove the Borg implant from Captain Braxton's brain."

And, of course, Captain Braxton felt the need to say, "No, the Excelsior crew carried out their threat to remove the Borg implant from my brain."

Ducane was none too pleased. "Curse the Excelsior crew and their science! Remind me if we ever meet up with them again to act moody and angsty for them doing this to him just when he was becoming quasi-competent. Anyway, what's the good news?"

"The good news is that 19th Century quack Dr. Frankenstein only half-completed the job. Sure, he removed the implant, but he forgot to flush out the nanoprobes in Captain Braxton's bloodstream. They've already gotten to work rebuilding the implant, but it will be quite some time before he gets back to the level of intelligence he had before."

"Well, that's a small miracle. Finish running your scans, Doctor. In the meantime, I'm taking the ship to Starbase 47 to receive new orders from Starfleet."

"No, you should take the ship to Starbase 47 to receive new orders from Starfleet."

Ducane rolled his eyes as he left Sickbay for the bridge...

Several hours later, the Relativity docked at Starbase 47. The ship received a transmission from inside the station, and Yar put it on the viewscreen. Ducane was shocked. "It's... It's... It's the disembodied head of Jean-Luc Picard!"

Sure enough, it was him. "Lt. Ducane, I want you in my office immediately!"

"Yes, sir, Admiral Picard, sir!"

Ducane ran all the way from the Relativity bridge to Admiral Picard's office. He took a minute to catch his breath, and then pushed the doorbell.

From inside the office came a fearsome, booming voice. "Who dares disturb Picard, the Great and Terrible?"

"It is I, sir, Ducane, the Humble and Meek."

"Very well... Enter!"

So, Ducane went in and sat at the desk. On top of the desk was Picard's head, floating in a jar of nutrients. Ducane began. "I was surprised to hear from you again, sir. After all, you haven't been seen since the very first episode."

"Yes, I got myself a new agent who booked me for several appearances this season, so expect to see more of me. Anyway, we need to get to the business at hand..."

A 3D map of the Federation and surrounding space popped into existence on the right side of Picard's desk. "Ducane, I'm afraid we have a bit of a situation on our hands. That shockwave that the Excelsior crew set off has had some unexpected and unpleasant side-effects."

A representation of the shockwave made its way through the map of the Federation, leaving behind several glowing points scattered throughout the region. Picard explained. "The shockwave opened quite a few short-lived temporal anomalies throughout the Federation. These anomalies connected our timeline to several other alternate Star Trek timelines, and quite a few ships from these alternate timelines took the opportunity to cross over into our space. I'm charging you and your crew with tracking down these ships and returning them to whence they came."

Ducane saluted. "Yes, sir! As soon as Captain Braxton is okayed for duty, we'll begin our new mission!"

Picard wasn't finished. "Not so fast, Ducane! There's still one more matter that has to be dealt with before you can leave: Your ship needs a new chief engineer, since Gul Dukat has joined the Excelsior crew. I have plucked two candidates from the past, and I'd like for you to make the final decision."

"Sir, shouldn't Captain Braxton be making this decision?"

"Ducane, we both know that Braxton is an idiot, more so now than ever. The only reason he's still a captain at all is because he's a face recognizable to Trekkies. So, I'm leaving the decision to you."

"Okay, sir. Who are the candidates?"

"The first candidate is Legate Damar. He's the former leader of the Cardassian Union who later became a freedom fighter."

"I don't know, sir... We didn't have much luck with the last former Cardassian leader who became our chief engineer. Who's the second candidate?"

"Wesley Crusher."

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD AND DECENT, NO! NO, NO, NO! WE'LL TAKE DAMAR!"

"I thought you might." Picard activated the comm system. "Damar, please report to my office."

A few moments later, the door opened. In staggered Damar, who was holding a bottle of kanar in his hand. "Hi everybody! It's *hic* me, Damar! It's nice to *hic* meet you!"

Ducane shook Damar's hand. "Well, you may be a drunkard, but at least you're not evil! Welcome aboard!"

"Hey, you're not the *hic* boss of me..."

"Actually, I am the boss of you."

"Oh... Okay... Let's *hic* go..."

So, the two walked (well, Ducane walked, Damar stumbled and occasionally fell down) back to the Relativity. Captain Braxton had already been released from Sickbay and was back on the bridge. He was reading the new mission statement. Ducane sat down in the first officer's seat next to the captain. "Finished with the mission statement, sir?"

"No, I'm finished with the mission statement. Mr. Sulu..."

"CAPTAIN Sulu!"

"Right... Captain Sulu, take us out!"

And so, the Relativity detached from Starbase 47 and headed out into space...

Time. The Final Frontier. Yes, we know, you all thought it was space. Well, guess what? You're all wrong! Time is the final frontier! Anyway, these are the voyages of the Timeship Relativity. It's continuing mission: To apprehend temporal criminals, to seek out old plots and recycle them continuously, to boldly go when everyone else has been before!



UPN Promo:
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, the crew begins its new mission by hunting down one of the most notorious temporal offenders ever!

#36 Gregory House

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Posted 13 January 2006 - 01:56 AM

Update!!!!


Episode 28: "The Episodes of Heck, Part I"

Written by: "Krenim"

Above the resort planet of Risa, a mysterious vessel dropped out of warp. Well, okay, it's not that mysterious. If you could actually see it, you'd probably recognize it instantly, so I'll just tell you which ship it is. It's Annorax's temporal weapon/ship. Happy now?

On the weapon/ship's bridge, Annorax sat in his command chair, looking coldly at the viewscreen. On it was Risa, along with several temporal computations. Annorax double-checked the equations on his PADD, and then turned to face his first officer, Obrist. "Prepare for temporal incursion!"

Obrist, who was lounging in his seat with his feet on his console, dismissed his captain with a wave of his hand. "Do it yourself, you jerk! I quit 500 years ago, and so did every other member of this crew! We're all tired of you and your stupid calculations! If we wanted to do temporal computations all day, we'd do algebra in a clock shop!"

Annorax got up, walked over to Obrist, threw him to the floor, and activated the weapon himself. A bright lavender beam shot through the weapon's lenses and then to the planet below. Within mere seconds, every single person and building on the planet vanished from the space-time continuum, and a shockwave centered on Risa began to spread throughout the galaxy which would make it conform to the changes in the timeline.

Annorax got back in his chair and afforded himself a little smile. "I'm one step closer to being reunited with my wife..."

A woman who had been standing next to Annorax looked down and began yelling at him. "I'm not gone, you idiot! I'm right here! I was never erased from time! I don't know where you get this silly idea that you have to erase planets from history to get me back when I've been standing right here this entire time! Not only that, but we're tens of thousands of light-years from the Krenim Imperium! How, pray tell, do you expect to change it by erasing a resort planet that has absolutely nothing to do with it? Are you listening to me? No, of course you're not! In 700 years, neither you or any of your flunkies have acknowledged my presence in the least! You're all a bunch of morons!"

Annorax sighed. "You know, sometimes I think I can still hear her voice..."

Several light-years away, the crew of the Relativity was proceeding with its search for the intruders from other timelines. However, Captain Braxton was already beginning to get quite bored. "This is so dull! I wish the Excelsior was still around. There was never a dull moment last season!"

Ducane said, "Sir, the Excelsior crew nearly destroyed the entire Federation. We do not want them back."

"That's right... I keep forgetting they were evil. Still, I wonder what happened to them..."

Braxton paused and looked around. Ducane got curious. "Sir, what are you doing?"

"Well, isn't this usually the part where we cut away to see what's going on with the Excelsior?"

"I told you that they didn't show up on the upcoming episode scanners, sir. However, I'm sure we'll find out what happened with them soon enough..."

Suddenly, the ship went to red alert. Dax checked the sensors. "Sir, there's a temporal shockwave headed towards us!"

"No, there's a temporal shockwave headed towards us! Wait a minute... Didn't we just have a temporal shockwave in the last episode? Can't we have something a little more original?"

Ducane nodded. "Well, it's not like we have any choice in the matter, sir. What are your orders?"

Unfortunately, the temporal effects of the shockwave had already begun to amplify the effects of Braxton's temporal psychosis. He was looking down at his hands just mumbling over and over again, "The M&M's want to stay in my hands... They don't melt there..."

Ducane tapped his communicator. "Ducane to Sickbay. Doctor, you're needed on the bridge. The captain's talking to nonexistent candy again..."

The first officer then turned to Yar. "Raise the shields! That should protect us from the temporal effects of the wave! Dax, I want you to extrapolate the origin of this wave!"

Before Dax could do so, the shockwave passed over the ship. However, the ship suffered no damage. Well, okay, it suffered a little damage, but yet another one of Sulu's teacups breaking isn't exactly dire.

Dax finished the extrapolation. "Sir, the shockwave seems to have originated from Risa. However, I'm not picking up anything from Risa at all. No people, no buildings... Nothing."

Ducane was stunned. "Egads! The Federation's premiere resort planet destroyed? I guess all my built up shore leave will go to waste..."

The Doctor finally arrived on the bridge and injected Braxton with some of his medication. Within a minute, he was back to normal, or at least as close to normal as he usually gets. Yar's console began to beep. "Sir, we're being hailed!"

Braxton sighed. "And we just had the windshield replaced last week..."

Ducane groaned. "I thought we were finally rid of that joke..."

The disembodied head of Admiral Picard came onscreen. Ducane was a bit surprised. "I didn't expect to see you again so soon, sir."

"I told you I'd be in a few episodes this season, Ducane."

"Yes, but I thought that was just a vague threat like that 'I'll be seeing you soon, Harry' thing."

"No, not in this case. Braxton, how's your ship?"

"It's fine, sir. No damage at all, except for Sulu's teacup, and that doesn't really matter."

Sulu began to cry. "It matters to me!"

Picard ignored the helmsman. "Braxton, we've analyzed the energy signature of the shockwave as being Krenim in origin. Furthermore, one of the temporal distortions from the last episode was in the region you are in now. I believe that an Annorax from an alternate timeline may be wreaking havoc with history. I want Annorax and his ship put out of commission! Picard out!"

Braxton turned to the still-sniveling Sulu. "Set a course for the Excelsior, maximum velocity!"

"I think you mean Annorax's weapon/ship, sir."

"No, I think I meant Annorax's weapon/ship."

Back in orbit around Risa, Annorax was scanning the continuum for changes to the timeline. "Let's see... The erasure of Risa has caused the general 'fun level' of the Federation to drop to practically nothing, leading to the immense popularity of Vulcan chanting, but there's still no sign of Kyana Prime... Or my wife..."

Annorax's wife began banging her head against a bulkhead. "I'm right here, you moron! Not only that, but I hate Vulcan chanting!"

Annorax turned to Obrist. "Begin a new set of calculations!"

Obrist yawned. "Do it yourself! I'm busy playing this cool game I picked up from Risa before you erased it. I just hope it doesn't seize control of my mind..."

The warning klaxon went off. Annorax checked the sensors. "A Federation vessel is approaching! All hands to battle stations!"

Annorax's crew ignored his order as the Relativity approached...

To Be Continued...

#37 Gregory House

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Posted 13 January 2006 - 02:00 AM

Episode 29: "The Episodes of Heck, Part II"

Written by: "Krenim"

"Captain's Log. We have arrived at the planet Risa. All traces of civilization have vanished from the planet's surface, and we have positively identified Annorax's temporal weapon/ship also in orbit. And no, we still don't know what happened to the Excelsior."

Yar's console beeped. "Sir, we're receiving a transmission from the weapon/ship."

Captain Braxton shook his head. "No, we're receiving a transmission from the the weapon/ship. Put it onscreen."

Annorax's face appeared on the main screen. "Who are you?"

Braxton thought for a moment, then turned to Ducane. "Who am I again?"

Ducane whispered something in Braxton's ear, and Braxton then turned back to the screen. "I am Captain Braxton of the Federation Timeship Relativity. You are in violation of the Temporal Prime Directive. Lower your temporal shields and prepare to be boarded."

Annorax sighed. "You're far from home, Captain, and in a manner of speaking, so am I. But only one of us can return home..."

"Wait a minute... We are home, you idiot!"

"Oh yeah... Well, same to you! Obrist, get a sample of their hull and beam two of their main cast members aboard!"

Obrist, however, was busy playing the game he picked from Risa while mumbling, "I will take control of the ship..."

Annorax pushed a few buttons, and Sulu vanished. Ducane checked the internal sensors. "Sir, they got Sulu and Damar!"

"They took Sulu?! I mean, Damar's a complete incompetant, but we need Sulu!"

Ducane interrupted his captain. "Actually, sir, Damar's managed to do something none of us have been able to do so far."

"Oh, what's that?"

"He managed to figure out what kind of drive system we have."

"Really? He must be a lot smarter than I thought..."

"Not really, sir. He got so drunk that he passed out on the Engineering floor, and when he came to, he found the ship's technical manual hidden under a console."

"Hmm... I wonder how it got down there..."

"Well, it had this note attached to it..."

Ducane handed Braxton the note. "Hmm... 'To whom it may concern: We've hidden this technical manual where you'll never find it! Nyah! Sincerely, Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button.' Well, I guess we got the last laugh. The Mysterious Red Button is probably still falling down that flaming bottomless pit, and Gul Dukat is probably gone forever, along with the rest of the Excelsior crew! The galaxy can rest safe with him and all his cohorts mysteriously missing!"

"Sir, not all the Excelsior crew is missing..."

"Really? Let me see... There's Evil Braxton, Dark Helmet, Janice Rand, Dmitri Valtane, Hawk, Yoda, Gul Dukat, Victor Frankenstein, and Harvey the Wonder Hamster. That's all of them, and they're all missing."

"You forgot Galvatron, sir."

"I completely forgot about Galvatron... I wonder whatever happened to him..."

"Well, sir, I think we're about to cut away to what's going on with him right now..."

Galvatron was not a happy camper. He was in chains in front of the Federation Council deep in the bowels of Starfleet Command. The trial was about to begin when the Klingon Ambassador came out yelling. "The Klingon Empire demands the extradition of Galvatron! He developed the Genesis weapon which he planned to use to cause the annihilation of the Klingon people! We demand justice!"

The judge banged his gavel. "That's the wrong speech, you idiot!"

"Oh... Never mind." With that, the ambassador ran out in tears.

The judge turned to Galvatron. "I've been reviewing the evidence against you, and I've come to a very important conclusion."

Galvatron looked puzzled. "What's that?"

"You never actually did anything during this whole series except for laughing manically in the background."

"Hah! I knew you guys couldn't pin anything on me!"

"Actually, laughing maniacally in the background is a misdemeanor in the Federation. How do you plead?"

"Guilty! Bwahahahaha!"

"Very well. I sentence you to time served, so you are free to go."

"Cool! Now I can take that job offer!"

"Job offer?"

"Yeah, an Internet company wants to hire me as their spokesman!"

"Really, which one?"

"Bwahahaha.com!"

"I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did."

Meanwhile, Sulu and Damar were lead into a dining hall with a banquet on the table. Annorax got up to greet them. "Welcome to my ship, gentlemen."

Sulu began yelling, "You had better beam us back to our ship, Annorax! Captain Braxton won't rest until he gets us back!"

Damar covered his ears. "Could you please stop yelling like that? I have a hangover..."

Annorax shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't send you back now. However, consider yourselves my guests. Feel free to help yourselves to this meal."

While Damar proceeded to get drunk yet again, Sulu began hatching a plot to escape...

Back on the Relativity bridge, Captain Braxton was getting quite impatient. "Well, it's about time the show got back to us! It cut away to Galvatron's trial before we could find out what kind of drive system we have! Ducane, what kind of drive system do we have?"

"A hyperwarp drive, sir."

"Wait a minute, isn't that the kind they have in Star Wars?"

"No, sir, that's a hyperdrive."

"Oh... Well, what do you suppose we should do now?"

"We should probably rescue Sulu and Damar, sir."

"No, we should probably rescue Sulu and Damar. Where did Annorax's ship get off to?"

"It's trying to get away, but thanks to this series' excellent continuity, it's only travelling at Warp 6. We'll easily be able to catch up to it with our hyperwarp drive."

"Excellent! Mr. Sulu, set a course for the weapon/ship! Maximum hyperwarp!"

"Sir, Sulu's not here, remember?"

"Uh oh... Without a helmsman, how will we ever catch Annorax?"

To Be Continued...

#38 Gregory House

Gregory House

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Posted 13 January 2006 - 02:09 AM

Episode 30: "The Episodes of Heck, Part III"

Written by: "Krenim"

"Captain's Log: No, not Captain Braxton! It's me, Captain Sulu! I am still a captain! Anyway, Damar and I are now captives aboard Annorax's temporal weapon/ship. We are hoping to convince Annorax's second-in-command, Obrist, to help us escape from this ship."

Sulu entered the ship's bridge, with Damar (drunk yet again) stumbling behind him. The two approached Obrist. Obrist noticed the two, and stopped playing his game. "What do you two want?"

Sulu said, "We want to know if you'd help us escape from this ship."

Obrist shook his head. "Sorry, I can't help you guys. I'm too apathetic to do anything these days. This game tried to take control of my mind and make me take over the ship, but that would be too much work. You guys are on your own."

Annorax's wife sighed as she wandered onto the bridge. "Another day of being completely ignored by these idiots..."

Damar turned around to face her. "Hey, do you *hic* happen to have any kanar on this ship?"

Annorax's wife was in shock. "You can see me? You can hear me?"

Sulu turned around as well. "Sure we can. Is there some reason we shouldn't?"

"It's just that these morons haven't so much as acknowledged my existence in over 700 years! My husband, Annorax, is erasing all these planets because he thinks that'll bring me back, but I'm right here!"

Obrist was puzzled. "Who are you guys talking to?"

However, being the really apathetic guy that he was, he didn't wait for an answer, and went back to playing his game. Sulu continued talking to Annorax's wife. "Can you help us get off this ship?"

"Sure! I'll take you guys down to the temporal core! You can shut down the ship's temporal shields from there! But I'll only do it on one condition!"

"What's that?"

"Get me off this ship!"

"Deal! Let's go!"

Meanwhile, back on the Relativity, Captain Braxton was still trying to figure out how the ship would be piloted now that Sulu was gone. "Computer, set a course following the weapon/ship!"

Unable to comply.

"Why not?"

You are not a pilot.

"Argh! Ducane, think of something!"

Ducane thought for a second. "Well, sir, none of us know how to pilot a starship, but we do know how to pilot shuttlecraft. We could take the Aeon and the Enterprise-Z after them."

"Wait a minute... I thought they were both stolen!"

"They were, but we got them back. What, you think we left the Aeon on the Excelsior when we captured it last season, and that we left the Enterprise-Z on Bajor after Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button took it?"

"Well, yeah."

So, the crew headed down to the shuttlebay...

Back on the weapon/ship, Annorax's wife lead Sulu and Damar to the ship's temporal core and showed them the controls.

Sulu was grateful. "Thanks, um... Do you even have a name?"

"Nope. All I got was a lousy cameo at the very end of 'Year of Hell, Part II,' so The Powers That Be didn't think of giving me one."

"Well, how about we call you Xaronna? It's nothing original, but it's better than just being called Annorax's wife forever."

"Yes, it is! Thanks!"

"Well, thanks, Xaronna. Now, we just need to figure out how to get off this ship, restore Risa, and stop Annorax from ever using the temporal weapon again..."

Damar stumbled up to the control panel with a bottle of kanar in his hand. "Hey, I'm the *hic* chief engineer! Let me take a *hic* look at it..."

Meanwhile, Annorax was going through yet another set of temporal calculations when the alarms went off. He looked up at the viewscreen to see two Starfleet shuttles bearing down on his ship. "Obrist, prepare to fire chroniton torpedoes!"

Obrist, however, was sound asleep at his console. Annorax rerouted weapons control to his command station. Before he could fire however, the lead shuttle hailed him.

"This is Captain Braxton! Release Captain Sulu or else we will open fire!"

"Wait a minute... Don't you want Damar back as well?"

"Uh... Yes!"

"Well, you can't have them! Not only that, but attacking me would be futile! My ship's temporal shields protect us from space-time! Your weapons will have no effect!"

With that, Annorax cut the transmission and opened fire. The weapon/ship began spraying torpedoes in all directions as the Aeon and the Enterprise-Z tried to dodge them.

Back in front of the temporal core, Damar was having absolutely no luck. The massive headache accompanying yet another one of his hangovers was preventing him from thinking straight.

Xaronna tapped into the sensors to find out why the ship had gone to red alert. "You guys, your friends are here! They're trying to rescue you, but they aren't having much luck!"

Damar plugged his ears. "Please stop yelling!"

Xaronna shoved Damar out of the way. "I'll do it myself, you drunkard! You don't spend 700 years married to a temporal genius on a temporal weapon/ship and not learn a thing or three about temporal physics!"

She brought up the core's protocols. "I'll cause a subspace harmonics inversion, then set a delayed temporal variance vortex pulse!"

Sulu scratched his head. "Could you say that in English?"

"I'm going to bring down the shields, giving your friends enough time to beam us out, then set the core to send this ship back to its timeline, which should erase the effects it caused in this timeline, thus restoring Risa!"

"Cool! Do it!"

The Enterprise-Z was bobbing and weaving through the barrage of torpedoes. Captain Braxton looked nauseous. "Would you stop with the bobbing and weaving? I think I'm going to throw up!"

Yar shook her head. "Sorry, sir, but it beats getting blown up! Hey, we're getting a transmission from the weapon/ship! It's Sulu!"

"Put it onscreen!"

Sulu's face appeared on one of the monitors. "Sir, you're looking a little green around the gills..."

"I have gills?"

"No, sir... It's a figure of speech. Anyway, we've taken care of everything from over here! We just need you to beam the three of us off the weapon/ship when the shields go down!"

"The three of you?"

"Me, Damar, and Xaronna."

"Isn't that 'Annorax' spelled backwards?"

"Yes, sir."

"Who came up with a stupid name like that?"

"I did, sir."

"Very well. Transporters are standing by!"

Xaronna entered the final command, shutting down the shields. Seconds later, the three disappeared in a blue flash, and reappeared on the Enterprise-Z.

Annorax's face came onscreen again. "What have you done to my ship?"

Xaronna answered, "I programmed it to go back to our timeline!"

Annorax scowled. "Well, isn't anybody going to answer me?"

Xaronna closed the channel seconds before the weapon/ship vanished in a flash of light...

"Captain's Log: No, it's not Captain Sulu, it's Captain Braxton! Anyway, the Krenim weapon/ship has been sent back to its own timeline, and Risa has been restored to normal. Only one thing remains before we can say this plot arc has been wrapped up..."

Ducane and Xaronna walked into Braxton's ready room. Braxton smiled. "Well, Xaronna, what are you going to do now?"

"Well, first I'm going to file for a quicky Pakled divorce from Mr. Erase-universe-to-bring-back-wife-who-isn't-gone-at-all. Second, I'd like to become a member of your crew!"

"No, first you're going to file for a..."

"CAPTAIN!"

"Uh... I mean, that's great! We need a few recurring crew members! I'll give you the rank of ensign and station you in Engineering. I need someone to take over if (and by that, I mean when) Damar passes out."

Ducane objected. "Sir, this isn't 'Voyager'. You can't just arbitrarily give people Starfleet commissions."

"I can't?"

"No, sir. Luckily, I already took the step of sending Xaronna's request to the disembodied head of Admiral Picard, and I have no doubt he'll give her a commission."

"No, I have no doubt he'll give her a commission. Dismissed."

UPN Promo:
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, we'll either have an episode guest-written by Sol, or the fate of the Excelsior will be revealed!

#39 Gregory House

Gregory House

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Posted 07 March 2006 - 08:22 PM

Episode 31: "Treachery, Faith, and the Great Machine"

Written by: "Krenim"

The events of this episode take place approximately at the same time as the events in "The Charge of the Fire Brigade."

All was quiet in the depths of space, until a huge flash of red light appeared. As it faded, one could see an object hurdling uncontrollably end over end. Closer inspection of this object revealed it to be none other than... the Excelsior!

The evil crew of the evil ship were trying desperately to stabilize their trajectory. Evil Braxton was turning an unpleasant shade of green. "I'm getting nauseous here, people! Stop the flipping!"

Dukat and Valtane worked furiously to stop the ship, but they weren't taking the motion of the ship very well either. Finally, they managed to get the Excelsior under control.

Evil Braxton grinned. "At last, we've destroyed the Federation! At last, we've had our revenge!"

A shout of "Huzzah!" went out from the senior staff. However, when Valtane got back to his control panel, a look of confusion went over his face. "Sir, you should see these readings..."

Evil Braxton sighed. "Valtane, you're not going to spoil our evil fun, are you?"

"I don't know, sir. Let me put this on the main screen."

A map of the Federation came onscreen. Valtane explained. "These are readings I took before the explosion. Hyperwarp energy signatures, border markers, subspace communications, and so on."

Evil Braxton scratched his head. "This had better be going somewhere fast, Mr. Valtane, or else I may have to punish you by making you watch an Olsen twins movie."

Valtane began to twitch. "No sir, not that! Anything but that!"

"Well, they don't call me Evil Braxton for nothing. So, for your sake, hurry it up."

The map on the main screen changed. "This is a scan I just took. Astronomical phenomena are identical, but technological phenomena are completely different. I'm not detecting any conventional drive systems or any conventional communication systems. Border markers are completely out of whack, and their energy signatures are completely unknown."

"So... Did we destroy the Federation or not?"

"I have no idea if we did or not, sir. You see, the quantum signature of this universe is different than our universe. We're not in our universe anymore!"

"Let me get this straight... The explosion knocked us into another universe?"

"Yes, sir."

"So we have no idea whether or not we actually destroyed the Federation?"

"Exactly, sir."

"Do you have any idea how we can get back to our universe?"

"Not a clue, sir."

"Aw... I wanted to gloat over the flaming wreckage of the galaxy! Whose brilliant idea was it to link all those temporal superweapons together, anyway?"

"I think it was you, sir."

"Oh... Well, never mind, then."

Rand interrupted. "Sir, we're being hailed."

"Onscreen!"

"That's not what I meant, sir. Small fragments of metal are slamming into the ship!"

"Well, that's just great... The one time that windshield joke would have actually made sense has just been wasted!"

Valtane scanned the fragments. "Sir, it appears to be some sort of debris. Perhaps we should beam some aboard to see if they can clue us in to where we are."

"Oh, very well... Beam some down to Cargo Bay 1. Everyone get down there!"

A few minutes later, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior arrived in the evil Cargo Bay 1. Pieces of metal ranging from tiny to huge were scattered about. The crew spread out and began examining them. After a few minutes, Rand began screaming. The rest of the crew gathered in front of her. Evil Braxton covered his ears. "Stop the screaming! Stop the screaming!"

Rand tried to calm herself down. "I'm sorry, sir, but it's just so horrendous!"

"Now, Rand, we are the most evil beings ever to have existed. We tried to blow up the galaxy! Nothing could be so evil that it would frighten us. So, what is it?"

"I know where we are..."

And with that, she flipped over the piece of metal she had been holding. Upon seeing what was enscribed upon it, the entire Excelsior crew began screaming their heads off.

Written upon the piece of metal were the words "Babylon 5."

Evil Braxton fell to his knees. "We're in the Babylon 5 universe! Not even we deserve that!"

And so, they all wept and screamed for about an hour before they finally managed to regain composure. Valtane said, "Sir, you have a great idea right now, don't you?"

"Actually, I do... How did you know that?"

"You're fiddling with your commbadge. You always do that when you have a great idea."

"Really?"

"No, not really, but with all this wreckage in a cargo bay, it felt like the right moment to make a 'Dark Frontier' joke."

"Ah... Well, something just occured to me. Let's look at the facts. We are in the Babylon 5 debris field, right?"

"Right."

"Babylon 5 was in orbit around Epsilon 3, right?"

"Right."

"And what was on Epsilon 3?"

A big grin came over Valtane's face. "The Great Machine!"

"Right! The Great Machine! Maybe it can get us out of this forsaken universe and back to our own, so we can see the smoking wreckage of the Federation and laugh!"

"Quite possibly, sir."

"The question is... How are we going to get down there? The defensive armaments of the Great Machine are superpowerful!"

"We could take a shuttlecraft down to the surface."

"Nah, we can't do that. All the shuttles we had were taken offship while we were wasting away in the Federation Maximum Security Prison."

"We could beam down, sir. These Babylon 5 universe natives don't have transporter technology! We'd have the advantage!"

"The problem is, Valtane, that we'd have to get in transporter range. Getting that close would set off the defense systems. If our shields hold, we won't be able to beam through them. If they fail, well, it's Kentucky Fried Excelsior."

"If only we had some way to defend against the Great Machine's weapondry besides energy shielding..."

"Hmm... Hey, you forget that we're in the Babylon 5 universe! If we can get our hands on some Shadow or Vorlon organic hull armor, we could probably get close enough!"

"Yeah, but where are we going to get some Shadow or Vorlon tech? The only thing we know about the 29th Century Babylon 5 universe is that Earth went kablooie about a century ago."

Evil Braxton thought for a second. "Well, we could check that map up on the bridge's main viewscreen for shipyards."

Valtane smiled. "Excellent idea, sir! I'll transfer the map down to one of the screens down here!"

"No, Valtane! It'll be much more exciting if we all run back to the bridge!"

So, the Excelsior crew ran all the way back up to the bridge, and then took a few minutes to catch their breath. Evil Braxton studied the map. "Ah ha! Here's a shipyard that's really close! Set a course for it, maximum warp!"

Several hours later, the Excelsior arrived at the shipyards. Rand scanned the installation. "Sir, it looks like this is the place we want! I'm detecting Shadow hull armor being installed on several ships!"

Evil Braxton grinned evilly. "Excellent! Beam us to the installation!"

A few minutes later, the crew appeared on the shipyards. They walked through the door that said "Enter here if you want Shadow armor on your ship."

Evil Braxton walked up to the guy sitting at the desk inside. "I want my ship outfitted with Shadow armor!"

"Very well, that'll be one billion credits."

"One billion credits? Curse the Federation for not using money!"

Valtane interrupted. "Sir, even if the Federation had money, it wouldn't be good here..."

"Shut up, Valtane! I'm busy ranting!"

Evil Braxton turned back to the guy behind the desk. "How about a trade of technology? My ship is from an alternate dimension where energy shielding, transporters, and warp drive exist. I'll trade you a copy of our schematics for Shadow armor!"

Valtane interrupted again. "Sir, it's against the Prime Directive for us to give such technology to anyone else..."

Evil Braxton whacked Valtane upside the head. "Valtane, we're evil! Evil people don't obey the Prime Directive! We can give anyone anything we want!"

"Oh yeah..."

The guy behind the desk thought it over for a minute, then came to a decision. "Okay, I'll take you up on your offer! Besides, your ship is so tiny compared to the ships of this dimension that it won't take much material to cover it."

Dukat whispered to Rand, "I think this guy just insulted the size of our ship."

Rand whispered back, "I know this guy just insulted the size of our ship."

The Excelsior crew was about to leave to watch their ship get its hull upgrade when the guy behind the desk stopped them. "Hey, you forgot to get your prize!"

Evil Braxton turned around. "Prize?"

"Yeah, everyone who gets Shadow armor today gets a free prize!"

"Really? What is it?"

"It's called an Apocalypse Box!"

With that, the guy gave Evil Braxton a small glowing box. "What's it do?"

"Oh... This and that..."

"Well, anything that has the word 'apocalypse' in it must be good for an evil villain like me! I'll take it!"

About a week later, the upgrade to the Excelsior's hull was complete, and the ship headed back to Epsilon 3. Evil Braxton put together a plan. "Okay, we're going to get in transporter range. While our new shielding protects us from the Great Machine's weapondry, we're going to beam down and find a way to get back to the Star Trek universe! Anyone have a question?"

Hawk raised his hand. "Should we bring a detachment of security officers with us, sir?"

"Security officers? We have security officers?"

"Of course, sir! The ship has a crew compliment of 750 officers and crew, at least according to the Deep Space Nine Technical Manual. We're just the senior staff!"

"Then why haven't we seen any of these other crew members?"

"Because they're nameless extras that aren't important to the story."

"Ah... Well, sure... Bring along some security officers!"

So, the Excelsior began moving towards the planet. As expected, lasers and missiles began impacting on the ship, but the Shadow armor held. Seconds later, the away team materialized down in the Great Machine's landing bay. Evil Braxton looked around. "Okay, where should we start looking?"

Rand pointed to something in the distance. "How about we ask that guy over there?"

Sure enough, there was some little man over in the distance. Evil Braxton called out to him, and he came over to them. Evil Braxton looked down at the man. "Who are you?"

The little man, clad in what seemed to be a variety of furs, looked up and answered, "Name is Zathras."

"Zathras?"

"No, Zathras."

"Don't tell me you've been taking lessons from the Captain Braxton School of Acting..."

"Captain Braxton has School of Acting?"

"No... We need something that can take us back to our universe, so can we look around and steal anything that looks interesting?"

"Zathras not care. However, if want to go home, Zathras would ask Draal. Draal is keeper of Great Machine. Draal could help."

"Very well, show the way."

So, Zathras lead the away team to the heart of the Great Machine, where Draal was still hooked up to it after all these centuries. Evil Braxton walked up to the Minbari. "We've come to see if you could send us home!"

Draal looked down at Evil Braxton. "Even if it were in my power to send you home, Evil Braxton, I wouldn't. Unlike you, I can't give away the technology here."

"Fine... Well, you mind if we look around and steal some stuff?"

"Yes, I mind!"

"Well, too bad, because we're going to do so anyway!"

Draal looked over at Zathras. "Stop them, Zathras!"

Zathras thought for a second. "No, Zathras not stop. Zathras bored. Zathras want off planet. Zathras help bad guys."

Draal rolled his eyes. "Well fine, just ignore the wise old man trapped in the machine..."

"Okay."

So, the Excelsior crew gathered up as much interesting technology as they could. Evil Braxton then turned to Zathras. "As an evil guy, I can't bring you along with us unless you actually serve a purpose."

"Zathras knows this technology. Zathras knows this universe. Zathras is useful."

"Good enough. Let's beam this stuff aboard."

So, everyone beamed up to the ship and left Epsilon 3...

Evil Braxton, now in his quarters, studied the Apocalypse Box. "I wonder what this thing does..."

The box answered. [code=auto:0]"I can tell you where you want to go..."

Evil Braxton was shocked. "You talk?"

"Of course I talk! It's okay for buttons to talk on this show, but not boxes?"

"Okay, okay... So, where should we start looking for a way home?"

"There is a planet far from here... A planet that may have what you're looking for..."

"And does this planet have a name?"

"Yes. It is called... Brig'Ha'Dun..."

Who are you?

Evil Braxton, evil captain of the evil Excelsior.

What do you want?

To return to the "Star Trek" universe, that we may see the galaxy ablaze.

Where are you going?

Anywhere I have to, as long as it doesn't take very long.

Who do you serve? Who do you trust?

Nobody, because I'm evil! Mwahahaha!

UPN Promo:
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, something will happen! Exactly what will happen, I don't know quite yet, though...

#40 Gregory House

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Posted 22 October 2006 - 01:44 AM

Episode 32: "The Best of Both First Contacts, Part I"

Written by "Krenim"

__

Captain Braxton found himself wandering around the interior of a Borg cube. The interior was barely lit with pale green light, and the walls were lined with drones. Braxton finally reached the center of the ship, where a huge cubical viewscreen floated in midair...



We are the Borg.



"No, you are the Borg."



Shut up, you moron! We're trying to be creepy!




"Oops... Sorry..."



Anyway... Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.




"Never! I will resist!"



Don't be that way! All your friends are already one with us...




At that point, several drones stepped forward. Beneath the cybernetic implants, they were recognizable as Ducane, Yar, Dax, Sulu, Damar, and Kes. Braxton became very angry. "You friends!"



Don't you mean 'fiends?'




"Uh, yeah... You fiends! Hey, where's the Doctor?"



His archaic technology was unnecesary. He was eliminated.



"Well, that wasn't very nice."



Nice is irrelevant.




And with that, the former Relativity converged on Braxton, preparing to assimilate him...




Captain Braxton awoke in a cold sweat in his bed. "Egads! I really must stop eating five anchovy pizzas before I go to sleep..."



Ducane's voice came over the comm. "Sir, there's an incoming transmission from Starbase 47. It's Priority One."



"No, there's an AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"



"Sir?"



"I think that Borg implant is beginning to regenerate... Anyway, patch it through to my quarters!"



The disembodied head of Admiral Picard came onscreen. "I'm sorry to call you up at this hour, Braxton, but this is urgent. Our colony on Ivor Prime has been destroyed!"



Braxton nodded. "I know... The Klingons!"



"The Klingons? No, you idiot! It's the Borg!"



"Oh... That would explain that dream I just had..."



"Anyway, Braxton, I want the Relativity to intercept the cube and gather information on it. It's been quite a while since the last Borg invasion, and we want to know what we're dealing with."



"Just one starship against a Borg cube? That's a suicide mission!"



"Hey, if Janeway could do it, so can you!"



"You know, I'm getting tired of everyone thinking Janeway was such a nifty captain! She drove me insane! Literally!"



"Shut up and intercept that cube! Picard out!"




"Captain's Log: The day I have been dreading for seven years has finally arrived..."



"Sir, you haven't given a hoot about the Borg this whole series, except for that cameo by the Avon-selling alternate timeline Borg from last season."



"Shut up, Ducane! Anyway... The Borg, our most lethal enemy, have begun an invasion of the Federation, and if we can't stop them, the series will be over!"



Yar's console began beeping. "Sir, I'm detecting a Borg energy signature on an intercept course!"



"Onscreen!"



Sure enough, a Borg cube was heading at transwarp speed towards the Relativity. Braxton turned to Yar. "Open a channel to the cube!"



Yar opened the channel, and the interior of a cube came onscreen. Captain Braxton stood and read off the notes he wrote on his hand. "I am Captain Braxton of the Starship Relativity. You have committed an act of agression against the United Federation of Planets. Withdraw from our space immediately."



We are the Borg. Resistance is...



"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We already went through that in the dream sequence."



Oh yeah... Anyway, we have analyzed your defensive capabilities as being unable to resist us. If you defend yourselves, you will be punished.



"I don't think so. Yar, fire all weapons!"



The Relativity fired all weapons at the Borg cube, but no damage was sustained. Captain Braxton frowned. "Let me guess... You're Next Generation Borg, aren't you?"



Yup.



"Darn..."



Well, we'd love to stay and chat, but we have a Federation to assimilate. Ta ta!



"Well, you won't get very far! A huge battle fleet has been assembled at the Typhon Sector, and Admiral Picard is in command! You all know how well that went last time..."



Don't remind us... Okay, we'll go to Plan B!



"Plan B?"



Yes, we're going to go back in time and assimilate the Federation in the past! Mwahahahaha!



And with that, the Borg cube opened up a temporal gate and travelled into the past. The Relativity got caught in the temporal wake. Yar checked the sensors. "Sir, the universe is once again overrun by Avon-selling Borg! We have to go back in time to stop this from happening!"



"No, we have to go back in time and AAAAAAAAAAAAH! I mean... You're right! Follow them through the gate!"



And so, the Relativity made it through the gate right before it closed...



To Be Continued...




UPN Promo:

Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, Kes is kidnapped by both Borg Queens while Captain Braxton attempts to stop the Borg from altering history!




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