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#1 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 05 September 2004 - 12:24 AM

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it isnt by me, i just think you might like the series..
be warned.. dont read more then 4-5 episodes at a time, otherwise you will laugh so much you throat locks up and only way to stop it is really trying to breathe through your nose. if you fail,
itl bring a whole new meaning to the phrase "dieing of laughter".

theres over a 100 episodes..
ill post, 2 a day.

Series ?
Episode 1.
When Tribbles Attack

Published March 26, 2000

"Captain's Log: Sometime after Voyager. Even though I've been captain of this vessel for many years, I feel the strange urge to introduce myself. I am Captain Braxton of the Federation Timeship Relativity. I'm pretty sure this is the eigth timeship to bear the name, but whenever Federation ships other than those named Enterprise are given letters in their registration number, its usually a mistake, so I'm not so sure about that. I also hold the Federation record for the number of versions of myself in my brig. Right now, Old Captain Braxton, Young Old Psycho Braxton, and Old Old Psycho Braxton are busy confusing each other just by existing."

Lt. Ducane tapped Captain Braxton's shoulder. "Uh, sir... You're talking into your mashed potatoes again..."

Captain Braxton looked around, and sure enough, he was in the Relativity's mess hall with mashed potatoes in his ear. "Blast this temporal psychosis!"

Lt. Ducane rolled his eyes. "Maybe you'd better go to sickbay."

Captain Braxton shook his head. "No, that's a lousy idea. Instead, I'll go to sickbay."

4.7 hours later, after getting lost on his own ship, Captain Braxton finally walked into sickbay. The EMH, which just convienently happened to be the EMH backup that we saw in "Living Witness" after he got back to the Federation, sat Braxton on one of the tables. "Temporal psychosis again, Captain?"

Braxton shook his head. "No, it's that temporal psychosis again..."

The EMH went into his office and got a hypospray. As he was treating Braxton, Braxton remembered something. "Doctor, I've been meaning to have a discussion with you... Now, you're the EMH backup from 'Living Witness,' right?"


"Now, that episode took place in the 31st Century, right? I mean, it was 700 years after Voyager..."


"Now, this is the 29th Century, so shouldn't you still be rusting somewhere in the Delta Quadrant?"

"You think in such four-dimensional terms, Captain."

"No, I think in four-dimensional terms..."

The frustrated Doctor was just about to whack Braxton on the head with a giant holographic mallet when Ducane's voice came over the comm. "Sir, there's an incoming transmission from the Big Giant Head."

"Okay, fine, patch it through."

One of the small sickbay monitors flashed, and the image of Captain Jean-Luc Picard's disembodied head came onscreen. "Good to see you, Captain Braxton."

"No, its good to see me, sir."

"Uh... Sure... Now, I have an assignment for you."

"Did anyone ever tell you you look like Mr. Freeze in those new Batman cartoons? All we need to do is get Kang to do your voice, and we'd be all set."

"Shut up, Braxton!"

"No, I think I'll shut up, sir."

"Whatever. Anyway, your three temporal clones are going to escape and go back in time any minute now."

"How do you know that, sir?"

"We can scan time, Braxton. Remember?"

"Uhh... Yes?"

"Well, you'd better stop them before they go back in time and start a paradox."

"No, I'd better stop them before they cause a paradox..."

"Yes, you're absolutely right. Picard out."

Captain Braxton made it down to the brig in a few minutes, thanks to all of the "This Way to the Brig" signs he had Ducane make for him previously. He stood menacingly in front of Old Captain Braxton, Young Old Psycho Braxton, and Old Old Psycho Braxton. "Now, you three aren't planning on escaping, are you?"

Old Captain Braxton said, "Well, since A leads to B and B leads to C..."

"I've had enough of your technobabble! Now I want to hear from Young Old Psycho Me."


"Whatever. How about you, Old Old Psycho Me?"

"No, we're just planning on escaping."

"Okay, then I can let down the forcefields."

"No, you can let down the forcefields."

So Captain Braxton let down the forcefields and left, confident that his three temporal clones would not escape.

A few hours later, Captain Braxton finally made his way back to the bridge after finally pulling over for directions. The ship was at Red Alert. "Ducane! Why are we at Red Alert!"

"Because your three temporal clones just escaped!"

"That's impossible! They told me they would escape!"

"They did!"

"Oh. I see your point. They must be very clever to confuse me like that. How did they escape?"

"They took the Aeon."

"My old ship?"

Ducane rolled his eyes and joked, "No, sir, your pet cat..."

"They took my pet cat?"

"No, sir..."

"But they took my old ship?"


"But not my cat?"


"Well then, that's okay."

"No sir, that's not okay! They're going back in time to undoubtedly do something terrible to the timeline!"

"No, I'm sure they're just going to do something terrible to the timeline. Oh... I see your point. We should follow them."

"Yes, we should. I've already locked onto their time coordinates. Should I commence time travel?"

"No, you should commence time travel."

With that, the Relativity vanished from the 29th Century...

To Be Continued

<><>next episode , next post.

#2 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 05 September 2004 - 12:26 AM

Episode 2
When Tribbles Attack Pt 2
Published March 27, 2000

"Captain's Log: Sometime after Star Trek VI, but I'm not sure if its before or after Generations... Anyway, Captain Sulu commanding. It's about time I showed up. We're already knee-deep into the series pilot. Oh well. At least I'm here."

Commander Rand walked up behind Captain Sulu and tapped him on the shoulder. "Uh, sir... You're talking into your mashed potatoes again..."

"I am not! I'm talking into my applesauce!"

"Oh. You're right. Well, you're the captain..."

"And don't you forget it!"

Sulu went and stuck another spoonful of applesauce in his ear. "Anyway, the Excelsior has been assigned to protect the tribble homeworld from a Klingon battlefleet that is bent on destroying the last of these humming hairpieces. At least, I think they're on their way... I'm missing my Star Trek Chronology right now, so they might not be here for decades. I hope not, otherwise this would be a really boring series."

Valtane then rushed up to the captain. "Captain!"

"Yes, that's me! I'm the captain! Me! Not Kirk! Me!"

"Uh... Sure... Anyway, a ship just appeared on our scanners!"

"A Klingon ship?"

"No, sir."

"A Klingon ship?"

"Sir, I just told you it wasn't a Klingon ship."

"Are you talking back to your captain? You can't talk to me like that, because I'm the captain!"

"Yes, that you are, sir."

"That's better. Now, what kind of a ship is it?"

"Well, it appears to be a Federation ship, but its far more advanced than anything I've ever seen..."

"What?!?! A Federation ship more advanced than Excelsior? Forget you losers! I want to captain that ship!"

"You can't sir. It looks like it was only designed to carry one person, and there are three people crammed into it right now."

"Well, then they've violated Federation crew density laws! Let's get that ship!"

Valtane followed Sulu out of the Excelsior's mess hall when Sulu stopped dead in his tracks. "Wait a minute, Valtane! You're dead!"

"Well, obviously not, Captain."

"That's right! I'm the captain! Anyway, I saw you die in "Flashback!" You transfered that funny brain virus into Tuvok!"

"Yeah, well, I was alive and well at the end of Star Trek VI!"

"Oh yeah... Well, carry on, then..."

Sulu arrived on Excelsior's bridge and sat in his chair. "That's right! This is my chair! Mine! You can't have it! Anyway... I want that ship onscreen."

Seconds later, the new ship came onscreen. Sulu looked at it. "Wait a minute! That's not an advanced Federation starship! That's a miniature stealth bomber!"

Rand turned around. "Captain..."

"Yes, that's me! I'm the captain! Of my own ship! In my own series!"

"Yeah, yeah... anyway, the ship is hailing us."

"They are? Rats! I just had the windshield replaced a week ago!"

"No sir, they want to talk to us."

"Oh... Onscreen."

Three men crammed into a small cockpit appeared onscreen. Sulu stood up. "I'm Captain... Note that I'm a CAPTAIN... Sulu of the Excelsior. Just who are you?"

The man on the left said, "Well, if A leads to B, and B leads to C..."

"I've had enough of your technobabble! You in the middle... Who are you?"


"Okay... You on the left... Who are you?"

"No, I believe you should ask me who I am."

"I just did!"

"Oh... Well, I'm Old Old Psycho Braxton, and these are my two temporal clones, Old Captain Braxton and Young Old Psycho Braxton. We're just here to pick up some tribbles."

"I can't allow you to do that, for two reasons. First, tribbles are an endangered species, and taking any is against Federation law."

"No, taking any is against Federation law. What's the other reason?"

"Nobody's allowed to have a ship better than mine on my series, so I'm afraid you're going to have to turn over your ship."

"Who said it was your series? Maybe its my series, and you're just a guest star..."

Sulu started to cry and ran off the bridge. Rand took command. "Well, look what you've done now! You made the captain cry! Good work, but we still can't let you take any tribbles."

Valtane interrupted. "Sir, another ship just appeared! It's like that one, but bigger and uglier!"

"Hail them!"

"Uh... Isn't that your job? You're the communications officer, aren't you?"

"Well, as the acting captain, I now make you the acting communications officer. Now hail them!"


Young Captain Braxton and Ducane stood on the Relativity's bridge. Ducane checked the ship's status. "The time travel was successful, sir. We are now in the late 23rd Century."

"No, the time travel was successful, and we're now in the late 23rd Century."

"Of course, sir. Anyway, the Excelsior is hailing us."

"Blast! I just had the windshield replaced last week!"

"No, sir... They want to talk to us."

"Very well, but first we must shave the fluffy green bunnies."


"The fluffy green bunnies... They're so fluffy..."

As Young Captain Braxton began to drool, Ducane tapped his communicator. "Bridge to the Doctor! The time travel must have made the captain's temporal psychosis worse... You'd better get up here and treat him..."

While waiting for the Doctor to get to the bridge, Ducane opened a channel. "This is the Federation Timeship Relativity. We are here to prevent damage to the timeline. Do not interfere."

Captain Sulu appeared onscreen, wiping his tears away. "I'm sorry, but since this is my series, I get to say what goes on, and I want that ship for myself. I get to have the best ship, because I'm the captain!"

Young Captain Braxton continued drooling. "Fluffy..."

Sulu raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. "Who's that?"

"This is our captain, Young Captain Braxton."

"Not much of a captain... Say... How about I be your new captain? I only drool half as much as that guy!"

"Sorry, but one deranged captain is all I can handle right now..."

Rand interrupted them. "Captain, while you've been trying to get a better ship for yourself, the three Braxtons beamed up a few tribbles and disappeared..."

The Doctor stepped onto the Relativity's bridge and gave Braxton a hypospray. His drooling decreased by 47%, and he came to his senses. "No, I believe they beamed up a few tribbles and disappeared..."

Ducane rolled his eyes. "Of course, sir. Should we follow them?"

"No, I believe we should follow them."

Sulu got all excited. "Hey! Can I come with you guys? I've had experience with tribbles before! I could be a big help!"

"No, I have a better idea. Since you've had experience with tribbles, you should come with us."

Ducane shook his head. "We can't do that. If we take Sulu..."


"If we take CAPTAIN Sulu out of his timeframe, we'll alter the timeline."

"No problem. We'll just leave a lifelike replica of him here so that the timeline isn't messed up."

"Very good, Captain. I'll beam Captain Sulu aboard."

"No, you should beam Captain Sulu aboard."

Ducane beamed Captain Sulu aboard, beamed the lifelike Sulu replica over to the Excelsior, and then commenced time travel.


On the Excelsior, everyone stared at the Sulu replica. Rand got up the guts to talk to it. "Sir?"

The Sulu replica just kept staring forward. "Aye, sir. Ahead warp factor 5."

"What are your orders?"

"Aye, sir. Ahead warp factor 5."

To Be Continued...

#3 William


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Posted 05 September 2004 - 03:13 AM

More MORE MORE I Tell you!!

#4 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 05 September 2004 - 03:47 AM

Soon, my young friend.
warning : the next 2 im posting tomorow (jeez, 4 am, make that-) i mean later today, may contain ridiculous things that wouldnt fit in the trek, but only in parody-trek. like dark helmet from that spaceballs.. and galvatron from transformers. :P

#5 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 06 September 2004 - 06:51 AM

okay 2 more episodes coming for you now..

Episode 3: "When Tribbles Attack, Part III"
Written by "Krenim"
Published March 28, 2000

"Captain's Log: Supplemental. I have ordered the Relativity to persue the Aeon through time once again, so that..."

"Sulu! Get out of my chair!"

"You can't tell me what to do! This is my series!"

"My ship!"

"My series!"

"That's it! Get out of my chair before I zap you with my phaser!"

Ducane tapped Braxton's shoulder. "Uh, sir... That's a bottle of mustard..."

"So it is! Well... That's even better! It's well known to history experts such as myself that Sulu..."


"...that CAPTAIN Sulu hated mustard! Now, get out of my chair before I ram this bottle down your throat!"

Sulu grudgingly got out of the captain's chair, which Braxton then occupied. "Captain's Log: Supplemental. I have ordered the Relativity to persue the Aeon through time once again, so that we may recapture my three deranged temporal clones."

Ducane checked his instruments. "Sir, we're about to make the transition back to normal space-time."

"No, from the look of things, we're about to make the transition back to normal space-time..."


"Captain's Log, Stardate... Uh... Tuvok, what's the stardate?"

"I'm not sure, Captain. I don't have my Star Trek Chronology with me..."

"Mr. Tuvok, do you have any idea how difficult it is to do a time travel story without a copy of the Star Trek Chronology?"

"No, Captain."

"Well, it's pretty difficult!"

Harry Kim looked up from his instruments. "Captain, a ship has just been picked up by sensors. It's the Aeon!"

"Braxton? Won't this be the fifth time he's tried to blow up Voyager?"

"Third time, sir."

"Right... Third time..."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. "Shall I raise shields?"

Janeway shook her head. "No, we can't raise our shields right now. I've ordered all power to the transporters."

"The transporters, Captain?"

"Yes, I've found the method of drinking coffee far too archaic for a technocrat such as myself. Now I just have the coffee beamed directly into my bloodstream."

"That's all well and good, Captain, but if the Aeon blows up Voyager, it will also blow up your coffee."

"Noooooooooooo! Raise shields! Hail the Aeon!"


On the Aeon, Old Captain Braxton, Young Old Psycho Braxton, and Old Old Psycho Braxton were crammed into the cockpit, waiting to make their next move.

Old Captain Braxton said, "If A leads to B, and B leads to C..."

Old Old Psycho Braxton turned and glared at Old Captain Braxton. "I've had enough of your technobabble! Just get to the point!"

"Well, I think Voyager is hailing us."

"Blast! I just had the windshield replaced last week!"

"We were in the Relativity's brig last week!"

"Oh... I see your point..."

"Besides, I meant they want to talk to us."

"Oh... Very well, put them onscreen!"

Janeway's face came onscreen. "Alright, Braxton... Hey! There are three of you... Braxton, Braxton, and Braxton... That's a good name for a law firm..."

"Shut up, Janeway! We're here for our revenge!"

"Not likely, Braxtons! We've raised shields!"

"Ah, but you forget, Captain... Revenge is a dish that is best served cold!"

"Because it's very cold in space?"

"No, because with all your power diverted to shields, your coffee will get very cold very fast!"


Tuvok rolled his eyes. "Braxton, sir..."


Old Captain Braxton and Old Old Psycho Braxton began to laugh maniacally, with Young Old Psycho Braxton screaming "VOYAGER GO BOOM!"


The Relativity made the transition to normal time. Ducane checked his sensors. "Sir, we're now in the late 24th Century, in the Delta Quadrant. It appears the Aeon is going after Voyager."

"Voyager? I hate those guys! Can't we just let my clones destroy them?"

"No, sir, we can't..."

"Very well... We'll save them. After we milk the cows."

"The cows, sir?"

"Yes, the cows... The cows say moo. Moo..."

"Ducane to Doctor. Braxton's babbling again... You'd better get up here..."

Sulu tapped Ducane on the shoulder. "Are you SURE you don't want me to be your captain?"


Back in the 23rd Century, the crew of the captainless Excelsior was having its own problems.

Valtane checked his instruments. "Klingon battlefleet approaching, sir! What do we do?"

The lifelike Sulu replica continued to stare blankly into space. "Aye, sir. Ahead warp factor 5."

Rand finally had enough. "That's it! We're out of here!"

The Excelsior powered up its warp engines and headed back towards the Federation.


Meanwhile, the Klingon battlefleet, led by Kang, beared down on the tribble homeworld. "At last, we will reveal ourselves to the tribbles! At last we will have revenge!"

Kor tapped Kang on the back. "Wrong sci-fi series..."

The fleet came out of warp and blasted the tribble homeworld to bits. Shouts of "Huzzah!" were heard from the Klingon ships.

Koloth ran onto the bridge. "Wait, sir! We can't destroy the tribbles! I've just designed a new alarm clock for Klingons that will make us millions, but they need tribbles to work!"

Shouts of "D'oh!" were then heard from the Klingon fleet...


Janeway tried to take another sip of her ice cold coffee while the Braxton Bunch continued to laugh manically. Finally she had enough. "I NEED HOT COFFEE!"

Before anyone could stop her, Janeway transferred all power from the shields to her portable coffee heater.

Old Old Psycho Braxton punched a few buttons really quickly. "At last we have revealed ourselves to Voyager! At last we have had revenge!"

With that, the Aeon vanished again.

Janeway chugged down a hot mug of coffee. "Yummie! Now, what do you suppose that was all about?"

Harry shrugged. "Beats me, but now the Relativity is here..."

"How would you know? You've never even seen the Relativity!"

"It says so on its hull, Captain."


Young Captain Braxton, Ducane, and Sulu beamed onto Voyager's bridge. Janeway scowled. "So we meet again, Captain Braxton!"

"No, we meet again, Captain Janeway! But enough of that! Your ship is in terrible danger, and its up to me to save you!"

"From your crazy clones?"

"No, from my crazy clones! They've already set in motion their evil and twisted plan! Their evil, twisted, and fluffy plan!"

Ducane rolled his eyes and tapped his communicator. "Doctor, we need you again..."

Braxton gave Ducane a death stare. "No, I'm perfectly fine, Ducane! Their plan really is fluffy! You see, their plan somehow involves the most lethal weapon in the galaxy: Tribbles!"


"No, tribbles! And we've got to figure out what my evil clones did with those tribbles before its too late..."

To Be Continued...

#6 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 06 September 2004 - 06:53 AM

Episode 4: "When Tribbles Attack, Part IV"
Written by "Krenim"
Published March 31, 2000

"Captain's Log. We are proceeding to search Voyager deck by deck for the tribbles, as we cannot, for some reason, detect them with internal sensors..."

"Braxton! Get out of my chair!"

"Well, okay, but only if I can sit in Chakotay's chair."

"Deal! Sulu! Get out of Chakotay's chair!"

"Well then, where will I sit?"

"Nobody's sitting at the conn right now..."

Sulu's face began to twitch. "No! No! I'll never go back there! Never! Never!"

"Calm down, Sulu! If you don't want to sit at conn, I'll just order another chair sent up here..."

"Well, okay..."

Janeway suddenly remembered something. "Speaking of Chakotay, where is he?"

"He insulted me, and I said I'd never recommend anyone like him to be in Starfleet, and he vanished."

"Oh, I understand now. You were the one that recommended Chakotay for Starfleet. Since you won't now, he never joined Starfleet. I wonder what's his life's like right now..."


On Risa...

Chakotay sunned himself on a beach chair. "Heh, heh, heh... My plan worked! No more lousy episodes for me! From now on, its just rest and relaxation!"


Meanwhile, back in the 23rd Century, the crew of the Excelsior kept themselves busy waiting for Sulu to return...

Valtane finished drawing a line through the center of the bridge. "Done!"

Rand ran up to the line. "I've always wanted to do this..."

She began hopping back and forth over the line. "Now I'm in the Alpha Quadrant! Now I'm in the Beta Quadrant! Alpha Quadrant! Beta Quadrant! Alpha! Beta! Alpha..."


Braxton, Ducane, Sulu, and Janeway ran into Voyager's mess hall. "Mr. Neelix! You said you found the tribbles!"

Neelix held up a tribble. "Yes, Captain."

"That's right! I'm the captain!"

"Shut up, Sulu! Good work, Mr. Neelix."

"Not really, Captain, I found three of them eating some of my leola root stew, but I only managed to capture this one."

Braxton's face was filled with horror. "They ate! That's terrible!"

"Because they'll multiply out of control?"

"No, because they ate after midnight!"

Janeway thwacked Braxton upside the head. "You idiot! You're thinking of Mogwais!"

Ducane stepped forward. "No, Captain, he's right. If tribbles eat before midnight, they multiply. If they eat after midnight, they undergo a terrible metamorphosis."

"Into Gremlins?"

"No, even worse... Ex-guest stars!"


"I'm afraid so, Captain!"

Even as Ducane said those words, the tribble in Neelix's hands began to mutate.

Janeway backed up in horror. "No, it can't be... It's... It's... Maje Culluh!"

Maje Culluh jumped up and tried to rip one of the mess hall's replicators out of the wall. "Replicator mine! Replicator mine!"

Everyone grabbed their phasers and vaporized Culluh.

Braxton led the team out the door. "We've got to find those other two tribbles before they cause anymore havoc!"

Ducane tapped Braxton on the shoulder. "Captain, all this adventure must be good for you! You haven't shown any signs of your temporal psychosis yet this episode!"

"No, I just haven't shown any signs of my temporal psychosis yet this episode..."


Seven of Nine was working in the Astrometrics Lab when the doors opened behind her. She turned around and found herself facing Kes.

"Aha! I've finally found you, Seven!"

Kes flung out lightning bolts from her fingers, zapping Seven. "You will pay the price for your lack of vision!"

"Uh... Wrong sci-fi series... Besides, I have increased visual accuity..."

"Shut up and die, screen-hog!"

Kes' face suddenly contorted in pain as she was phasered out of existance by Janeway, who just snuck up behind her. "Seven, are you alright?"

"I just had a bazillion volts run through my body! How do you think I feel?"

"Uh... Just fine?"

Seven thwacked Janeway upside the head as she hobbled down to sickbay.

Tuvok's voice came over the comm system. "Captain, I managed to kill one of the tribbles."

"Excellent! That means we got all three! Who was the third one?"

"Naomi Wildman."

"Tuvok, you idiot! The tribbles are ex-guest stars, not current ones!"

"Oh... So... I guess killing the Borg kids wasn't such a hot idea either..."

"No, Tuvok... I'd punish you, but since we never pay attention to continuity anyways, you'd be back to normal by the next episode. Just never do it again."

"Very well, Captain. Tuvok out."


Janeway headed back to the bridge, only to find that another Captain Janeway was already there. "Aha! So, the third ex-guest star is the 'Course: Oblivion' Janeway Clone!"

The other Janeway laughed. "So, you found me too, huh? Well, for your information, I'm not the 'Course: Oblivion' Janeway! I'm the 'Deadlock' Janeway! And I'm going to blow up your Voyager this time!"

Harry grinned. "No, you're not..."

"And why not?"

"Because I poisoned your coffee!"

"Oh... That's a very good reason..."

The Janeway clone then collapsed on the floor. She motioned for the real Janeway to come close. Janeway knelt next to her. "Yes, what is it?"

"Promise me... You'll... Get your crew... Home..."

"You know, I'm sick and tired of people making me promise that. Like the series is really going to end with everyone dying..."


"Okay... Okay... I promise..."

The "Deadlock" Janeway then died.

Janeway then turned to Harry. "Good work, Mr. Kim! How did you know she was an imposter?"


The End... But not really...


UPN Promo:
Next time, on Star Trek: Series ?, it's Captain Braxton vs. Captain Sulu as they try to figure out who's series it really is...

#7 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 06 September 2004 - 07:06 PM

the next episode comes early..
im "upping" the number of episodes per day to 3 till "season 1" is finished :angry: mainly cuz it has been going on since 2000 and is still being written. and theres the odd episode written by someone else aswell so i will keep the "written by: krenim" bit even tho its his series.

Episode 5: "Whose Series Is It, Anyway?"
Written by "Krenim"

Published April 2, 2000

"Captain's Log. Having successfully defeated the plans of my three evil temporal clones, Captain Janeway has invited my crew and I to a get-together in Voyager's mess hall. Stupid Janeway... I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!"

"Braxton, I'm right here..."

"Oh... So you are, Captain Janeway... Expresso?"

"Don't you dare try to weasel out of... Did you say expresso? Mmm... Expresso..."

"That's a good girl... Why don't you go and drink your expresso in your ready room?"

"Mmm... Expresso in ready room..."

"Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah... I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! I would refuse her offer, but given that I haven't eaten so far this series, I figure I probably should..."


Meanwhile, the Braxton Bunch was still crammed into the Aeon, travelling between timeframes.

"If A leads to B, and B leads to C..."

"I've had enough of your technobabble! Just get on with it!"

"Oh, well, the crews of the Voyager and the Relativity managed to foil our evil plan!"

"Argh! Well, I suppose we'll have to come up with a new evil plan..."


"Shut up and start thinking!"


Meanwhile, the novelty of being captainless was quickly wearing off for the Excelsior crew...

"Aye, sir... Ahead warp factor five..."

Rand whipped out a phaser. "Say that one more time, and I'll vaporize you!"

"Aye, sir... Ahead warp factor five..."

0.47 seconds later, the lifelike Sulu replicant was nothing more than a pile of ashes.

"We have to get Captain Sulu back!"

Valtane thought for a few seconds. "We could slingshot around the sun into the future... We could use the Guardian of Forever... We could..."

"How about we just push this button that says 'time travel?'"

"Oh... Well, I guess we could try that..."


Back in the 24th Century, the crews of the Voyager and the Relativity were standing around in Voyager's mess hall making idle chit-chat. Braxton, Ducane, and Seven stood together discussing the recent events.

Ducane offered a toast. "Here's to keeping the timeline safe from people like Braxton."

"No, I believe that the toast should be to keeping the timeline safe from people like me..."

Seven turned to Ducane. "Don't you get tired of him doing that?"

"Yeah, but I've tried everything..."

"No, you've tried everything..."

Seven quickly got behind Braxton and got him in a headlock. "You have not tried everything." She sunk her nanoprobe tubes into Braxton's neck.

"Uh, you're not assimilating him or anything, are you?"

"I should think not... Just a little Pavlovian experiment..."

Seven retracted the tubes. "There... I have completed the procedure."

"No, I think you have completed AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ducane raised an eyebrow in typical Vulcan fashion. "What did you do to him?"

Seven smiled. "I programmed my nanoprobes to build an implant in his brain that will give him a mild shock every time he does that."

Captain Sulu then came up to the three. "Captain Braxton, I think it's about time for you to take me back to my ship, so that I can get on with my series."

Braxton scowled. "Sulu, you don't even know if its your series!"

"Well, whose series would it be?"

"Mine! I've been in every episode so far!"

"Yeah, well, if the Excelsior were here, I'd show you a thing or three!"

As if on cue, the Excelsior popped into existance right where everyone in the mess hall could see it.

Sulu laughed evilly. "Bwahahahaha! It's time to take control of my series! Sulu to Excelsior, beam me aboard!"

Sulu disappeared in a blue stream of light.

Braxton tapped his communicator. "Braxton to all Relativity crew! Prepare to return to the ship! We're about to be under attack!"

As soon as everyone was back on the Relativity, Braxton hailed the Excelsior. "Sulu, don't make us attack you!"

Sulu's face came onscreen. "Because if you destroy us, you'll mess up the timeline?"

"No, because if we destroy you, we'll AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

While Braxton was writhing in agony, Ducane stepped up to the viewscreen. "I have a better idea as to how we can solve the question as to whose series it is."

"Oh, really? What's that?"

"Well, most episodes end with a shot of the series' ship. We'll just send our ships in different directions, and whichever ship the camera follows is the ship whose series it is."

"Hmm... That's just crazy enough to work! Okay, I'll do it!"

So, the Relativity and the Excelsior started heading off in opposite directions. It took a while, but the camera eventually started the Relativity.

Sulu began screaming. "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Valtane rolled his eyes. "Braxton, sir..."


The Relativity opened a channel to the Excelsior. Braxton's face appeared. "Well, Sulu, it's not your series, so you might as well go back to your own time. Unless..."

Sulu stopped crying. "Unless?"

"Well, it appears that for some unexplained reason, my ship is lacking senior officers. There's just me and Ducane. That reminds me... Ducane, what exactly is your position?"

"I don't know, sir. I never saw 'Relativity.'"

"Me neither. I guess I'll make you my first officer, since you seem to know everyone's names. Anyway, Sulu, we need a helmsman..."

Sulu talked it over with himself. "Lousy job or no job? Lousy job or no job? Uh... Okay, I accept!"

He turned to his crew. "So long, losers!" And Sulu was promptly beamed to the Relativity.

The Relativity then disappeared from the time-space continuum.

Rand and Valtane stood stupified on the Excelsior's bridge. Rand finally sat down in the captain's chair. "Well, I guess there's only one thing to do now..."

"Go back to our own time?"

"No, plot our revenge against Braxton and Sulu! Bwhahahaha..."

The End...

#8 Gregory House

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Posted 08 February 2005 - 02:50 AM

Episode 6: "A Recruiting We Will Go, Part I"

Written by "Krenim"

Published April 3, 2000

"Captain's Log. Having foiled the devious plan of my craxy temporal clones, I am now proceeding to give Captain Sulu a tour of the ship and explain to him his new duties."

Ducane tapped Braxton's shoulder. "Uh, sir... Shouldn't we be out trying to catch your clones? I mean, they're still out there, probably coming up with an even more evil plan right now..."

Back on the Aeon...

"Anyone come up with a more evil plan yet?"



"Shut up and keep thinking..."

"Nah... More than likely, they're just coming up with an even more AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I mean... Uh... You're right. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about them."

"Excellent, sir."

Braxton, Sulu, and Ducane stepped onto the bridge. Braxton waved towards the conn. "There's your new station, Sulu. The entire ship will be in your hands. One word of warning, though... Never ever push that big red button."

"Why not?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know..."

Braxton and Ducane stepped into the ready room, leaving Sulu to sit in his new chair to get accustomed to his new job.

Psst... Hey you!

"Who said that?"

It's me, the red button!

"Buttons don't talk."

I do! Push me!

"But Captain Braxton said not to..."

Ignore Braxton! He's an idiot! Push me!"



"My mother told me never to talk to strange buttons, so shut up."


In the ready room, Braxton went over a PADD, with Ducane standing in front of his desk. Braxton put down the PADD and looked up at Ducane. "I've been thinking about something quite serious, Ducane..."

"What's that, sir?"

"We need a full senior staff. There's me, there's you, there's Sulu, and there's the 'Living Witness' Doctor, and nobody but him seems to know why he's here. I can't promote any of my own crew, because they're all nameless extras, and we don't have time for any character work right now. Thus, we must go back in time and pick up crew members from previous series."

"But sir... That would seriously disrupt the timeline."

"Oh... I see your point. Well, what about Sulu?"

"His crew was about to kill him anyway, so that's okay."

"Ah... So, there's only one thing we can do."

"Go pick up dead crew members microseconds before they die, and replace them with lifelike replicas?"

"No, we'll go pick up dead... Wait... Yes, you're right!"

Braxton started making out a list. "Okay, we have a captain, we have a first officer, we have a helmsman, and we have a chief medical officer... What else do we need?"

"A science officer, sir."

"Ah... Well, Spock's still alive, Data's still alive... How about Jadzia Dax?"

"Well, we can only take Jadzia, but not Dax. That would mess up the timeline."

"Very well. What's her nonjoined surname?"

"I don't know, sir. Funny how they developed Ezri Dax far more in one season than they did with Jadzia Dax in six..."

"Yes, that is odd... Very well, we'll just call her Jadzia. Science officers with one name seem to live a long time. What else do we need?"

"Chief engineer."

"Right... Hmm... That could be a problem. All the chief engineers are still alive."

"Well, we'll just have to get someone else, sir."

"Yes. How about... Gul Dukat?"

"Elmo? Are you crazy?"

"If I have to answer that question, you obviously haven't been reading this series very well."

"Right, sir. Elmo it is."

"Okay, who else?"

"Security officer."

"Ah... That we can do. How does Tasha Yar sound?"

"Ukrainian, sir."

"No, not the name, the person!"

"Oh... Just fine, sir."

"Anyone else?"

"Just a counselor, sir."

"Okay... Well, Deanna Troi and Ezri Dax are both still alive..."

"How about Kes? She was a bit of a Troi ripoff anyway."

"Okay! Kes it is! But let's get Good 'The Gift' Kes, and not Evil 'Fury' Kes..."

"Agreed, sir."

"Okay, we're done! Let's go get us some senior staff!"

Meanwhile, back on the Excelsior...

They're Rand and Valtane!
They're Rand and Valtane!
One once got fired,
The other's a pain!
They're travelling through time,
Soon we'll end this stupid rhyme!
They're Rand, they're Rand and Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane!

"Hey, I am not a pain!"

"Well, we couldn't fit in the thing about your brain, so we had to make due."


"Anyway, we have to not only have to figure out a way to get revenge on Sulu and Braxton, but we need a new captain!"

"How about we get the Braxton Bunch? They hate Braxton, and one of them is still a captain!"

"Brilliant, Valtane! Let's go find them!"

To Be Continued...

#9 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 08 February 2005 - 10:55 PM

[w00t forgot about this, ur a fan too w00t]

#10 Gregory House

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Posted 09 February 2005 - 01:45 PM

Episode 7: "A Recruiting We Will Go, Part II"

Written by "Krenim"
Published April 6, 2000

"Captain's Log. Having finished my spiffy list of new crew members, I now have to bring them into the 29th Century."

Braxton and Ducane stood in the Relativity's transporter room. Ducane stood at the controls while Braxton started reading off the list. "Okay, first we need Jadzia."

"Well, sir, we should probably beam her directly to sickbay. Without immediate medical attention using our super-duper 29th Century technology, she'll die without the worm-thing."

"No, I think we should beam her directly to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I mean, good idea! Next on our list is Gul Dukat."

"Very well, sir. Commencing transport."

Gul Dukat appeared on the transporter pad in a shimmering blue beam, looking quite confused. "Where am I?"

Braxton stepped forward. "Greetings, Gul Dukat. I am Captain Braxton. We have transported you to the 29th Century because we need crew members in a hurry. You're going to be our Chief Engineer!"

"Chief Engineer? I don't know a thing about engineering! Send me back right now!"

"You want me to send you back to plummeting into a fiery pit of dispair?"

"Uh... Chief Engineer it is! Glad to be aboard, sir!"

"Excellent! Let's see who's next on my list... Tasha Yar!"

Yar was beamed aboard, also quite confused. "What's going on?"

"I'm Captain Braxton of the 29th Century Federation Timeship Relativity. I've saved you from certain death so you can be my security officer."

"Sure, why not... It's either that or be killed by a pool of ink..."

"I thought you'd see it my way. Ducane, beam Kes aboard!"

Kes was beamed aboard. She focused on Braxton. "Braxton!"

"Yes, that's right! Me! Anyway, I've saved your acting career by having you appointed as my ship's counselor!"

"Actually, I have been working..."

"Sure you have... Sure..."

Kes zapped Braxton with bolts of lightning. "Don't forget Braxton, I still have godlike powers!"

"Okay, okay... You still have a career... Do you want to be my ship's counselor or not?"

"Sure, why not..."

"Excellent! My crew has been assembled! Now, let's go get my evil temporal clones!"

Meanwhile, back on the Aeon...

"Anyone thought of another evil plan yet?"



Suddenly, an alarm went off in the cockpit. Old Captain Braxton checked it out. "If A leads to B, and B leads to C..."

"I've had enough of your technobabble! Just get on with it!"

"Okay, okay... The Excelsior is on a temporal intercept course!"

"The Excelsior?"

"Yup. They're hailing us."

"Rats! I just had the windshield replaced last week!"

"No, you didn't!"

"Oh yeah... Well, put them onscreen!"

Rand and Valtane appeared onscreen. Old Old Psycho Braxton shook his fist at them. "Go away! Can't you see we're trying to formulate an evil plan?"

Valtane motioned for him to stop. "We can't talk until after our theme song..."

They're Rand and Valtane!
They're Rand and Valtane!
One once got fired,
The other's a pain!
They're travelling through time,
Soon we'll end this stupid rhyme!
They're Rand, they're Rand and Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane, Valtane!

"Okay, now we can talk."

"That's a stupid theme song! Anyway, we don't want to talk to you!"

"We want you to join us in our pursuit of vengence against Captain Braxton and Sulu! We need a captain!"

"Hmm... This could be just the evil plan we've been looking for! Deal!"

"Okay, park the Aeon in Shuttlebay 1."

A few minutes later, Rand and Valtane met the Braxton Bunch face to face. Rand pointed at Old Captain Braxton. "Since you're still a captain, you now have command of the Excelsior. What are your orders?"

"Well, if A leads to B, and B leads to C..."

"I've had enough of your technobabble! What are your orders?"

"Okay, I want to meet the senior staff!"

"You're looking at it."

"Only the two of you? Well, I guess we'll have to resort to pulling classic Trek villains from the past to flesh out our little band."

"No can do. As villains, we get paid significantly less, so we can't afford to hire any expensive Trek villains. We'll have to hire characters from other shows."

"Very well, make it so..."

Meanwhile, in the Relativity's sickbay, the Doctor was mumbling to himself after saving Jadzia's life...

"Lousy rotten series... I've only been in one episode so far..."

Jadzia then slowly woke up. "I'm cold... So cold..."

The Doctor tried to calm her down. "That's an aftereffect of having the symbiont removed."

"No, it's not! It's the effect of having the air conditioning up way too high! Turn it down!"

"Oh, oops..."

While the Doctor was turning down the AC, Captain Braxton came in. "I'm just checking to see how my new science officer is doing. I'm Captain Braxton of the Timeship Relativity. I saved you from certain death!"

"I'm grateful and all, but there's one thing wrong with your plan..."

"What's that?"

"The Dax symbiont had all the brains. I'm dumb as a... a... you know... those things... they're gray... on the ground..."

"A rock?"

"Yeah, I'm dumb as a rock."

"Oh well... On the down side, we have an idiot for a science officer. On the plus side, we have another running gag! Well, when you're well enough, I want you on the bridge. We're going after my crazy temporal clones once and for all!"

To Be Continued...

#11 Gregory House

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Posted 14 February 2005 - 02:06 AM

Episode 8: "A Recruiting We Will Go, Part III"

Written by "Krenim"

Published April 19, 2000

"Captain's Log. If A leads to B, and B leads to C..."

"I've had enough of your technobabble! Just get on with the log entry!"

"Alright, alright... Now that I and my two other evil temporal clones are now in charge of the Excelsior, Rand and Valtane have rounded up some good candidates for our own crew. Soon, revenge will be ours!"

The Braxton Bunch, Rand, and Valtane stood in the Excelsior's ready room. Rand, with a PADD in her hand, had the job of introducing the new senior staff to the Braxtons. "Sir, with what funds we have, I was able to scrape together a pretty decent crew."

Old Captain Braxton nodded. "Very well. Bring them in one at a time, so that the dramatic tension will heighten."

"Very well, I'd like to introduce you to your new first officer: Dark Helmet from Spaceballs!"

The doors opened, and Dark Helmet entered. Old Old Psycho Braxton was skeptical. "What skills does he have?"

"Well, if we want to go really really fast, we just have him say 'Ludicrous speed, go!'"

"Oh... Well, I guess that's okay. Who's next?"

"Our new security officer, Hawk!"

Hawk walked in. The Braxtons gasped. "Wow! We got Captain Sisko?"

Hawk slammed his fist into the wall. "I'm not Captain Sisko! I'm Hawk!"

"Okay, okay... You're Hawk... Who's next?"

"Our new counselor, Yoda!"

Yoda walked in. The Braxtons gasped again. "Wow! We got Yoda? How?"

"When work you not for 15 years, any job you will take, hmm?"

"Ah... I see your point. Next!"

"Our new Chief Engineer, Inspector Gadget!"

"Inspector Gadget? Cool! With all his implants, we can grab the Seven of Nine demographic! Who else?"

"Our new Chief Medical Officer, Victor Frankenstein!"

"From the book, or the movie?"

"The book."

"Ah... Okay, that's fine. Anyone else?"

"Just our new helmsman, Harvey the Wonder Hamster!"

"What?!?! A hamster piloting the ship?!?!"

"He graduated from the Deanna Troi School of Piloting."

"Oh, well, that's okay."

The ready room door then exploded, and a figure jumped into the room. Once the smoke cleared, everyone gasped. "Galvatron?"

Yes, Galvatron was now standing in the middle of the ready room. The Braxtons raised their eyebrows in typical Vulcan fashion. "Hey, wait a minute... Aren't you way too big to fit in this room?"

"That's a common misconception. The Transformers weren't that big, its just that the camera was really really close."

"Oh... Well, what do you want?"

"To join your crew!"

"You're too late! All our positions have been filled!"

"Not all of them! You still need a guy to stand in the background and yell 'Bwahahahaha!' at random intervals!"

"We do?"


"Well, okay... You're hired! Now, let's set into motion our new evil plan to destroy the Relativity!"

Back on the Relativity, Jadzia stepped off the turbolift onto the bridge. She took a look around, and her gaze locked on Gul Dukat. "Hey! It's you! You're that guy... You know... That bad guy... That did that thing..."

Braxton rolled his eyes. "Elmo?"

"Yeah, Elmo!" With that, Jadzia started strangling Gul Dukat. It took the entire senior staff to get her off of him.

Braxton held Jadzia back. "You can't kill him! He's our Chief Engineer!"

"I don't care!"

"He's a fellow crew member!"

"I don't care!"

"He works cheap!"

"Well... Okay, I'll let him live... For now..."

Everyone went back to their stations, and Braxton gave Sulu the order to get underway.

Psst... Hey, Sulu! Push me!

"Give it up. I'm not going to push you."

Well, if you won't, I'll get someone else to push me!

"No one's going to push you, Mysterious Red Button, so just shut up!"

Sulu then punched in the temporal coordinates, and the Relativity vanished into the timestream...

To Be Continued...

#12 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 14 February 2005 - 06:50 AM

ill post 10 and 11 tomorow if u post 9 later 2day,

#13 Gregory House

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Posted 14 February 2005 - 01:30 PM

Episode 9: "The Beautiful Candy-Like Button"

Written by "Krenim"
Published April 22, 2000

"Captain's Log: Bwahahahaha!"

"Galvatron! Get out of my chair!"

"Aw... Fine, see if I care!"

"Captain's Log: We, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior, are evilly going to do evil battle with the not-so-evil Relativity."

Valtane looked up from his console. "Sir, we're only 4.7 minutes from dropping out of the timestream at the Relativity's time-space location."

Old Captain Braxton grinned evilly. "Excellent..."

Yoda poked Old Captain Braxton with his cane. "Braxton you are. Mr. Burns you are not."

"Aw... Well, we have to end this scene with an evil transition, so I guess its good that we have Galvatron..."


Meanwhile, back on the not-so-evil Relativity...

Jadzia looked up from her console. "Sir, there's a thing approaching us."

"Why is everything we don't understand always called a 'thing'?"

Kes thwacked Braxton. "You're a captain, not a doctor!" Realizing what she just said, she then thwacked herself.

Braxton turned to Jadzia. "What kind of a thing is approaching?"

"You know, a thing... Like this thing... That we're in..."

"A ship?"

"Yeah, a ship! A ship is approaching!"

"Ah. Onscreen."

Jadzia stared at her console for a minute until Yar came over and pointed out the button clearly marked "Onscreen." The Excelsior, traveling through time, appeared.

Sulu pointed at the screen. "Hey, it's my ship! And it's hailing us!"

"They are? I just had the windshield replaced last week!"

"Isn't that joke getting rather old, sir?"

"It's not 'old', Sulu, its a 'classic.'"


"Anyway, answer their hail."

The Excelsior bridge came onscreen. The Relativity crew was in shock. Braxton stood up. "Hey, how did you guys get Galvatron to fit on the Excelsior bridge?"

Ducane poked Braxton's shoulder. "Uh, sir... Shouldn't you be surprised that the Braxton Bunch has joined forces with the Excelsior crew?"

"Well, yes, but look! Galvatron fits on their bridge!"


"Oh, all right... Hey! My evil temporal clones are in control of the Excelsior!"

Old Captain Braxton sneered. "Yes, my not-so-evil original self! And in mere moments, we shall drop out of temporal space and beat the Relativity to a pulp!"


With that, the Excelsior ended communication. Captain Braxton thought for a moment. "Well, I guess there's only one thing we can do..."

Ducane said, "Go to the Battle Bridge, sir?"

"No, I was going to say... Wait! We have a Battle Bridge?"

"Yes, sir."

"Cool! Alright, everyone except Elmo will report to the Battle Bridge at once!"

"Why leave Dukat here, sir?"

"It's a plot device, Ducane. Just live with it."

So, everyone except Gul Dukat left the bridge. Dukat, not knowing what he was supposed to do, just stood in the middle of the bridge.

Psst... Hey you...

Back on the evil Excelsior...

Rand thought of something. "Uh, sir?"


"Now, this is a 23rd Century ship, right?"


"And they have a 29th Century ship, right?"

"Right. What's your point?"

"So, won't they be able to defeat us rather easily?"

"Nah... I'm sure 23rd Century technology is every bit as good as 29th Century technology..."

Back on the Relativity's main bridge...

"Who said that?"

I did!

"And you are...?"

The big red button on Sulu's console!

"Oh? What do you want?"

Push me!

"I don't think I should... Captain Braxton said I shouldn't push any talking buttons..."

I order you to push me!

"And who are you to order me about?"

I'm... Uh... Uh... A pagh-wraith!

"Isn't that spelled 'pah-wraith?'"

You say potato...


No, you imbecile! I didn't mean for you to say 'potato!' I meant the difference is trivial!


Anyway, as your evil lord and master, I order you to push me!

Meanwhile, back on the Relativity's Battle Bridge...

Yar looked up from her console. "Sir, the Excelsior has dropped out of the timestream. Their shields are raised and their weapons are charged."

The two ships exchanged a volley of fire.

Back on the Excelsior...

"Sisko, what's our situation?"

"I'm not Sisko! I'm Hawk!"

"You say potato..."


"No, you idiot... Never mind... What's our situation?"

"Our shields are down to 0.000001%, and the Relativity's shields are down to 99.999999%."

"Darn! Who would have thought six centuries would make such a difference?"

Back on the Relativity's main bridge...

"How do I know you're a pah-wraith?"

Well, I'm a *red* button, aren't I?

"So you're a button possessed by a pah-wraith?"

Uh... Sure...

"Okay. I'll push you!"

So Dukat pushed the Mysterious Red Button, and the Relativity vanished...

To Be Continued...

#14 Gregory House

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 11:28 PM

ok Alex, ur turn chapter 10, and 11 :)

#15 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 17 February 2005 - 02:55 AM

Episode 10, 2D or not 2D?
"Captain's Log: Just when we were about to beat the Excelsior to a pulp, that idiot Elmo hit the Mysterious Red Button. Now, we find ourselves in the most terrifying place in all of existence..."

The Relativity crew stepped onto the ship's main bridge, where Gul Dukat was sitting in Sulu's chair laughing maniacally. Braxton walked up beside him. "Dukat! Why did you push the Mysterious Red Button?"

Dukat looked up at Braxton with a crazed look on his face. "Because it's a pah-wraith, one of my evil lord and masters!"

Jadzia then ran up and tried to strangle the Mysterious Red Button. "Take this you evil pah-wraith! I'll kill you for killing me!"

The Mysterious Red Button began choking. Help me! Help me!

Braxton turned to the Button. "Not this time, Fly... I mean, Mysterious Red Button! Yar, throw Elmo in the brig! While you're at it, throw this button in there, too!"

Sulu tapped Braxton's shoulder. "Uh, sir... The button's part of my console."

"I don't care! Throw them both in the brig!"

Security guards came up and took Dukat away. A few more tore Sulu's console off of the floor, and took it with them.

Sulu scowled. "Well, that's just great! How am I supposed to fly the ship now?"

Braxton thought for a few seconds. "Hmm... I see your point... I guess it was stupid for me to order that console thrown in the brig, huh?"

"Yes, it was."

"Oh well, I guess we'll just have to find a replacement console. I'm sure we have one somewhere..."

"In the meantime, sir, isn't it about time that you tell us all what exactly pushing the Mysterious Red Button did?"

Braxton sat in his chair. "Look outside."

Jadzia, after taking a few minutes to find the "Onscreen" button (despite the fact that Yar had put up a huge sign with flashing lights above that button after the last episode), finally got an exterior view.

What they saw shocked them...


Meanwhile, elsewhere in the time-space continuum, the Excelsior crew was repairing the damage taken the ship had taken in its disastrous battle with the Relativity...

In the Excelsior's ready room, the senior staff was having a meeting. Old Captain Braxton was not happy. "It seems that we have greatly underestimated the strength of the Relativity. I want suggestions from all of you, starting with Young Psycho Braxton first."


"Imaginative, yet pointless. Now let's hear from Old Psycho Braxton."

"Well, first, we escape from the Relativity's brig..."

"We already did that, you moron! It's your turn, Sisko..."

"Hawk! My name is Hawk! Get that through your head, Spenser!"

"I'm Old Captain Braxton!"

"You say potato..."


"No, you moron... Anyway, I don't have any ideas."

"Fine. How about you, Rand?"

"I have an idea."

"Finally, an idea! What is it?"

"We go buy some new shields so we can battle the Relativity without getting blown up."

"Excellent idea, Rand! Do you know where we can get some shielding?"

"Yes, I do... From Crazy Khan's House of Shields!"


Meanwhile, at the 29th Century's Starfleet Command...

Captain Picard's head continued to float in its glass jar filled with brine. "Well, so much for me being in this series on a recurring basis..."


Meanwhile, back in wherever the Relativity was...

The senior staff just stared at the viewscreen. Finally, Jadzia spoke. "We're in a cartoon?"

Braxton nodded. "Yes, but not just any cartoon... The Non-Canon Star Trek Animated Series Universe!"

Everyone screamed.

Ducane turned to Braxton. "Do you know how to get us out of here?"

"Not a clue."

Kes raised her hand. "Maybe I can get us out of here... I have superpowers."

"Hey, that's a great idea! I keep forgetting we have a counselor with godlike abilities! Okay, give it a try!"

So, Kes raised her hands, and bolts of energy when flying all over the place. However, when she was finished, they were still in the TAS Universe. "Well, I gave it my best shot. I guess we're stuck here..."


Meanwhile, back in the canon Star Trek universe, the Excelsior crew went to their stations on the bridge. Old Captain Braxton turned to Rand. "How far is Crazy Khan's House of Shields, anyway?"

"5000 light-years, sir."

"5000 light-years? It'll take years for us to get there! Whose brilliant idea was it to have a canon 8000 light-year Federation? Whoever it was should be tortured mercilessly with endless reruns of Barney!"

Once everyone finished shuddering from thinking of such an evil form of punishment, Dark Helmet tapped Old Captain Braxton's shoulder. "Warp speed's too slow! We have to go right to ludicrous speed!"

As soon as he said that, the Excelsior went to plaid and was at Crazy Khan's House of Shields in 4.7 seconds.

The entire senior staff beamed down to the building. All sorts of shielding mechanisms were on display, along with huge posters advertising the deals of the day. All of sudden, Khan Noonien Singh (in a yellow plaid leisure suit) ran up to the group. "Welcome, my friends, to Crazy Khan's House of Shields! What can I do for you?"

Khan then noticed Rand. "I know you. Them I don't know, but you... I never forget a face!"

"I served on the Enterprise with Captain Kirk."

"Ah... Kirk, my old friend... I'll chase you round the moons of Nibia, and round the Antares Maelstrom, and round..."

Old Captain Braxton interrupted Khan's ravings. "Excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"You won't believe how often I get asked that question... It's okay for Spock to come back from the dead, but me? No, of course not..."

"Okay, okay... We need to buy some shielding."

"Excellent. What exactly are you looking for?"

"We need something that can withstand an attack from a Wells-class Timeship."

"Wells-class, hmm... I think I might have something you can use..."

Khan motioned for the group to follow him over to one of the pedestals holding a shielding device. "This is a Super-Duper Deluxe Shielding Mechanism Version 4.7. It's guaranteed to withstand a direct assault by molecular disrupters for a prolonged period of time."

"How much is it?"

"One trillion bars of gold-pressed latinum."


"You won't believe how much I get that, too."

"Well, its a little hard for us to pay that considering how the Federation has no such thing as money..."

"No money, no shields."

The evil Excelsior crew scrounged up what money they could from the non-Starfleet members, and Braxton presented it to Khan. "We have $1.60. Will that do?"

Khan thought about it. "You task me... You task me, but I'll take it!"

So, the Excelsior crew got the shields and beamed back up to the ship...

To Be Continued...

#16 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 17 February 2005 - 03:07 AM

Episode 11, The haunting of the deckthe brig is on

"Chief Engineer's Log, Stardate... Uhm... Hey, what's the stardate, Mysterious Red Button?"

Soon, stardates shall not matter, as the heavens will burn with my wrath!


It's Tuesday, you dolt.

"Oh yeah. Stardate: Tuesday. The Mysterious Red Button and I are in the Relativity's brig, after having sent the ship into the TAS dimension. We must now figure out a way to get out of here so that we can continue to serve the forces of evil."

I've already figured a way out of here, Dukat!

"Yay! How do we get out!"

We convince the crew that we died, and that we came back as ghosts.


If we threaten to keep haunting the brig until they let us go, they'll have to let us go.

"Oh. You're a very smart Mysterious Red Button."

I know...


Meanwhile, back in the mainstream Star Trek universe, Inspector Gadget had just finished installing the new shields, and the crew was ready to go destroy the Relativity.

Old Captain Braxton grinned. "We're ready to go destroy the Relativity!"

Valtane rolled his eyes. "The narrator just said that, sir."

"He did? Oh... Well... I was just repeating it for those who weren't paying attention the first time..."


"Anyway, set a course for the Relativity!"

"We can't, sir. They're not on our temporal scanners. I don't know where or when they are."

"Rats! I guess we're just going to have to cause mayhem and chaos throughout the timeline. Now... When would be the best time to mess up history?"


Back on the Relativity's bridge, the crew was trying to figure out how to get out of the TAS dimension...

Captain Braxton was lost in thought. "How do we do it? How do we do it?"

Ducane nodded. "Getting out of the TAS dimension is quite a problem, isn't it, sir?"

"Huh? No, I was trying to figure out how to shove all of you out of the main credits like Shatner, Nimoy, and Kelley did with the original series..."

Everyone thwacked Braxton upside the head. "Okay, okay... I'll start thinking about how to get out of here..."

Yar's console started beeping. "Sir, there's a ship headed towards us!"

"What kind of ship?"

"The TAS Enterprise!"


Back in the Relativity's brig, the Mysterious Red Button's evil plan began to take shape...

"Okay, so how to we convince the crew that we're ghosts?"

That's simple, my dear Elmo. We put on these sheets with eyeholes cut in them!

"Hey... Where did those come from?"

They're a plot device. Live with it.


Back on the Excelsior, the crew was still considering how to cause the most damage to the timeline...

Rand's face suddenly lit up. "Get that lamp out of my face!"

Galvatron took the lamp away. Rand then got an idea. "I've got an idea!"

Old Captain Braxton turned to her. "Okay, what's the idea?"

"We go back to 1986 and stop Captain Kirk from returning to the future with humpback whales!"

"Ooh... We get to disrupt the timeline and cause the extinction of an endangered species all at the same time! I love being a villain!"


Meanwhile, back in the TAS dimension...

Jadzia checked her console. "Sir, I think they're trying to hail us."

Braxton, knowing the giant "They Are Hailing Us" sign he put next to the light did its job, nodded. "Onscreen."

The TAS Enterprise's bridge came onscreen. Braxton got all excited. "Hey, look! It's that cat person and that ET-ripoff guy!"

The TAS Kirk frowned. "Don't. Make fun. Of. My crew."

Braxton struggled to regain his composure. "Oops. Sorry."

"What do. You. Want here?"

"Our evil chief engineer pushed our Mysterious Red Button, and now we're stuck in your dimension..."

"Have you. Tried. Pushing your. Not-So-Mysterious Blue. Button?"

"Hey... That's an idea... Thanks!"

"No. Problem."

So, everyone began looking around the bridge for the Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button that would send them all home. After a while, Braxton ordered Yar to go down and check on the two prisoners.

Yar checked in the holding cells, where Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button were wearing sheets with two eyeholes cut in them. Yar rolled her eyes. "What do you two think you're doing?"

"We are the ghosts of Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button! Release us, or we will haunt your brig forever!"

Yar, sick of the prisoners' stupidity, left. Dukat nudged the Button and whispered, "I think she bought it..."

Back on the bridge, Braxton took a break to ask Yar how the prisoners were. Yar replied, "They say they died and came back as ghosts to haunt the brig until we let them go. Personally, I think they just got a hold of sheets with eyeholes cut in them, and they're pretending to be ghosts."

"Perhaps, but I don't think we can take that chance. Release the ghosts of Gul Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button!"


"Just do it!"

Sulu called out, "Found it!"

"You found the Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button?"

"Yes. It was under this big flashing sign that says 'Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button.'"

"Well, push it!"

So, Sulu pushed the Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button...

To Be Continued...

#17 Gregory House

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Posted 17 February 2005 - 01:19 PM

:) lol :mellow:

#18 Alex Mcpherson

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Posted 17 February 2005 - 02:10 PM

ack.. my throat killing once again.

#19 Gregory House

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Posted 17 February 2005 - 11:57 PM

Episode 12: "Who Wants to be Politically Incorrect?"

Written by "Krenim"
Published August 20, 2000

"Captain's Log, Stardate... Uh... Say, after all this jumping through time, I've lost track of what century we're in! When are we?"

"We're back in the 29th Century, sir."

"Oh... I knew that... Really... Anyway, we have escaped from the TAS Dimension by pressing the Not-So-Mysterious Blue Button, and we are now ready to defeat our sworn enemies, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior. How's that for a recap, Ducane?"

"Just fine, sir."

Just then, the ship went to Red Alert. Captain Braxton looked around. "What's going on?"

Yar checked her console. "Sir, there's a ship approaching. It's hailing us."

"What kind of ship?"

"It's a Borg cube, sir."

"The Borg? Haven't we been overusing them?"

"Sir, this is the Borg's first appearance in 'Series ?'."

"It is? Oh... I knew that. Anyway, are they Next Generation Borg or Voyager Borg?"

"Next Generation Borg, sir."

"Uh oh, we'd better take this situation seriously then. Hail them back."

The voice of the Borg Collective came over the comm system. Avon calling.

The crew couldn't help but snicker. Suppressing his laughter, Captain Braxton responded. "Uh... Aren't you supposed to say something like 'We are Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.'?"

That was Step One: Assimilate Everyone in the Universe. We're now to Step Two: Sell Avon Products.

"Wait... You've assimilated everyone in the universe? Something must have happened to the timeline!"

Heck if we know. Would you like to buy some blush?

"No thanks. But would you mind answering a question for me?"

Sure, why not?

"If you've assimilated everyone in the universe, who is there to sell makeup to?"

After a minute of silence, the Borg cube exploded, since none of the drones could figure out a legitimately good answer to that question.

Meanwhile, on another floor of the Relativity, Gul Dukat was lurking in the shadows carrying the console that contained the Mysterious Red Button...

Dukat looked about ready to collapse. "Can I put you down yet? You're awfully heavy."

No, my brainless lackey! I must be elevated above all others! So sayeth the Mysterious Red Button!

"Fine, fine... So, what's our next move?"

We need to steal a shuttlecraft.

"Alright! Risa, here we come!"

No, you imbecile! We're not going to Risa! We're going elsewhere... Bwahahaha!

Nine centuries earlier, the Excelsior lept out of the timestream and assumed orbit around Earth. Old Captain Braxton grinned. "At last we will reveal ourselves to the whales! At last we will have revenge!"

Valtane groaned. "Enough with the Phantom Menace jokes!"

"Very well. I want you to lock onto the Bounty's energy signature and fire all weapons! Kirk will never return to the 23rd Century with his whales, and Earth will be doomed, leaving the Federation defenceless against the Borg, who assimilate everyone in the universe and then become Avon salesmen!"

"Excellent, sir! I'm in need of some blush!"

With that, the Excelsior fired phasers, photon torpedoes, and several kitchen sinks down at Earth. The kitchen sinks burned up in the atmosphere, but the torpedoes and phasers struck the Bird-of-Prey. The Klingon ship, totally defenceless, sank to the bottom of the ocean.

The Excelsior crew cheered. Old Captain Braxton laughed evilly. "Bwahahaha!"

Galvatron thwacked him upside the head. "I'm tired of everyone stealing my catch phrase! Only I may go 'Bwhahahaha!'"

"Very well. Let's go back to the 29th Century and buy some blush!"

Rand interrupted. "Sir, I don't think we should leave just yet. The Relativity has reappeared on our temporal scanners. More than likely they've realized what we've done, and they'll be on their way to try to repair history."

"Okay, we'll stay here and finish our conflict with the Relativity and her crew..."

To Be Continued...

#20 Gregory House

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Posted 18 February 2005 - 12:02 AM

Episode 13: "In the Shadow of Earth"

Written by "Krenim"
Published November 13, 2000

"Captain's Log, Stardate... Well, maybe if my watch would stop spinning backwards, I could tell you what the stardate is! Anyway, Lt. Ducane has determined that whatever caused the Borg to assimilate everyone in the universe is now at 20th Century Earth, so we are on our way there."

"Yes, thanks to my excellent control of the helm!"

"Sulu, we all know you're there, you don't need to hog screentime by making obvious comments."

"Yes, sir."

Captain Braxton turned to Ducane. "Lt. Ducane, one thing still bothers me about this whole thing..."

"That fact that we don't know who caused the damage to the timeline?"

"No, the fact that the title for this episode is awful! 'In the Shadow of Earth?' What kind of a title is that?"

"I think it was supposed to be a takeoff on the Babylon 5 episode 'In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum,' sir."

"Hmm... You know, Earth just doesn't have the same effect that Z'ha'dum does."

"No, sir, it doesn't."

Meanwhile, in the Relativity's shuttlebay, a very exhausted Gul Dukat lurched into the room, still carrying the console with the Mysterious Red Button on it on his back. "Okay, we're at the shuttlebay. Can I put you down now?"

Well... No.

"Aw... Well, which shuttle should we take?"

I decree that we should take that one over in the corner!

"Wait a minute... USS Enterprise NCC-1701-Z? The Enterprise of the 29th Century is a shuttle?"

Well, all the Enterprises after the Enterprise-E stunk, so eventually they just used the name for shuttles.

"Oh... Well, whatever you say..."

Meanwhile, back on the Relativity's bridge, alarms started going off.

Captain Braxton jumped up from his chair. "Sulu, are you going over the speed limit again?"

Ducane shook his head. "Sir, that's not a police siren, that's the red alert klaxon."

"Oh, uh, you're right, Ducane. Well, what's going on, Lt. Yar?"

Yar checked her panel. "It seems as though there was an unauthorized shuttle launch."

"There was? I thought that was Voyager's plot device..."

"Should we persue, sir?"

"Nah... I'm sure whoever stole it had a good reason to do so."

"Actually, sir, it was stolen by Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button, and they left a note behind stating specifically that they were going to use the shuttle for evil purposes..."

"Well, I'm sure that was just a red herring. Continue on our present course."

Meanwhile, back at 20th Century Earth, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior prepared to do battle with the approaching Relativity...

Old Captain Braxton sat in the captain's chair. "Dark Helmet, is my evil crew of my evil ship AAAAAAAAH!"

"Sir, what's wrong?"

"I guess this stupid Borg implant in my head even goes off when I repeat what the narrator says!"

"What Borg implant?"

"Back when we were trying to destroy Voyager, Seven of Nine used her nanoprobes to create an implant in Young Captain Braxton's brain that would cause extreme pain when he repeated anything anyone had just said. And since A leads to B, and B leads to C..."

"I've had enough of your technobabble! I get the point!"

Meanwhile, on one of the Excelsior's lower decks, Young Psycho Braxton and Old Psycho Braxton began a plot twist of their own...

"You know what? I'm tired of Old Captain Braxton being in charge while we just sit by and do nothing! What do you think?"


"Patience, my friend... We'll get to that eventually. But for now, I have a plan of my own... Bwahahahaha!"

Off in the distance, the voice of Galvatron was heard. "I heard that! Is someone trying to take my job again?"

At the moment, the Relativity emerged from the timestream...

"Dax! Tell us what's going on out there!"

"I'm Jadzia, not Dax! No symbiont! Dumb as rock! Remember?"

"You know, I'm getting really tired of these summaries! Yes, its been a long time since the last episode, but I'm sure the audience remembers these things!"

"Alright, alright... No need to get cranky... Anyway, there's that thing out there. You know, that thing with the people we don't like..."

"The Excelsior?"

"Yeah, the Excelsior."

"Drat! I thought we finished them off!"

Yar piped up. "Well, sir, I would have finished them off if Dukat hadn't pushed the Mysterious Red Button and..."

"What did I say about summaries, Lt. Yar?"

"Oops... Sorry."

"Anyway, let's take them out now! Fire all weapons!"

So, the Relativity and the Excelsior bombarded each other with phasers and photon torpedoes, but neither ship's shields fell.

Captain Braxton threw a fit. "We nearly beat them last time! What's wrong now?"

Ducane said, "Well, sir, since they had such horrible shields, they probably went to Crazy Khan's House of Shields, and got some new ones."

"You know, when this is all said and done, remind me to go and blow up Khan."

"Yes, sir. Well, since attacking the Excelsior isn't doing any good, perhaps we should hail them?"

"Well, okay... Open a channel!"

The Excelsior's bridge came onscreen. Old Captain Braxton sneered. "Well, if it isn't Young Captain Braxton..."

Young Captain Braxton sneered back. "Let's cut to the chase! What have you done to the timeline?"

"No matter what you do, I'll never tell you that we sank the Bounty, therefore ensuring that Kirk will never return to the future with humpback whales!"

"Hmm... Well, in that case, it could take us forever to figure out what you did..."

Ducane poked Young Captain Braxton's shoulder. "Sir, he just did tell us what he did to the timeline."

"He did? Oh yeah, he did! Thanks for the info, suckers!"

Braxton closed the channel. "Alright, people, let's save history!"

To Be Continued...

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